David Jeremiah wrote, "journalizing, memorializes the blessings of God" in his book, "When Your World Falls Apart, Seeing Past the Pain of the Present." My dear family and myself have recently experienced a terrible tragedy, resulting in the death of my precious daughter, Samantha. This is an unwanted journey, one of the most difficult walks that any parent can experience. It is riddled with extreme grief, profound disorientation, and beautiful graces from God. He holds me close. He has not forsaken me. Even though, my heart is shredded with sadness, I shed buckets of tears, I question my purpose now and I wander astray at times, I know I love God. He is real and present. I know what I know!!! And, I feel privileged to have the opportunity to share with you. I have learned that I am at my best when I walk with God, not against Him.


Thursday, December 15, 2011

Handling the Holidays

Christmas 2009
I googled this one, too. "First Christmas without your daughter!" This time google wasn't so hopeless.  My query actually produced an inspiring  thought. While surfing, I read a poem, Christmas in Heaven, that speculated on what Christmas on earth would look like, to those in Heaven. The poem suggested that the lit tree in each family home, would represent a star in the night sky, to those residing in Heaven.  Well, I couldn't let Sam look down and not find her family star in the night sky.  So, there was the first nudge, whether to do Christmas or not.  The second nudge came when I just directly asked my other daughter what she thought, "Should we do Christmas? How should we do it? Does it hurt too much?" She directly answered me, "I love Christmas, Mom. We have always loved Christmas.!"   At this point, I remember saying to myself, " I am so grateful, that I can actually address Brooke's emotions. I recognize that some healing has begun." So, Christmas began.

Christmas Morning 2010
David is the shopper.  He buys the wreaths, garland, poinsettias and the tree.  They are dropped at the garage door and there they wait.  It is my job to decorate.  So, I did.  No problem, I gently placed it about our home.  It began to look festive, then I noticed myself slowing down, anticipating the boxes of stockings and ornaments.  That meant seering pain! That was personal.  I slept on it, to see if I felt the same the next day.  Yep, seering pain! Finally, I admitted my weakness and asked Brooke, "Do you mind if we just don't hang the stockings this year?" Her precious reply, "Mom, I don't mind but, can I still have the "pile"?" A new tradition will begin. Santa will find another way to leave his gifts.  

Another family tradition, is a tall tree.  I knew, even before Dave stood it up, that I didn't have the heart to decorate it.  It's just too much of a job.  I stared at it for 3 days.  Then I bit the bullet, climbed the stairs, to the attic, got the lights and began to string them on the tree.  I ran out of "working" lights half way up.  Boy, I did not want to do this.  Guess what, the puppy chewed through the light cord and got shocked.  The tall tree is now our outside lawn decoration and I didn't have to decorate it!  Our answer this year, a perfect tree placed upon our kitchen counter, to keep the puppy out of trouble.  Everyone is pleased, I am grateful for that. (I have heard the saying, "God works in mysterious ways?")

Gingerbread Houses 2008
The changes are many and gut-wrenching.  At times, not doable. The traditions come at me fast and furious and I can't figure out how to adjust them, so many at one time. I am the homemaker, for the most part, in charge of our family life.  I am desperately grieving the loss of Sam and at the same time being charged with the task of recreating our family life. A life etched with love,compassion, happiness,  hope and laughter. I need to get this right! My salvation for all of this is a song by Dave Barnes, I Pray on Christmas.  Brooke knows I love it and am living by it!  She plays it for me often, when she does, I throw my head back and raise my hands in the air, palms open to the sky.  It's an intentionally exaggerated gesture. She chuckles, I smile.  If nearby, her friends giggle.  But, truly it's my strength. So, I pray the Lord sees me through, I pray He will show me what to do, I pray He will help me understand, I pray he will take my by the hand.  I sing it out loud!!!  I sing it from my heart!!

During this process, a dear friend checked on me via text message.  Here is our text messaging exchange:

Her jolting response is just what I needed to hear! Yes, I do know that!

St Timothy's nativity

There are two things in particular that I look forward to doing on Christmas Eve, the first will involve a beautiful box given to me, by a dear friend.  The box is beautiful, the promise however, life giving!  I opened this gift, I looked at the box and these sweet words of hope and love were said to me,  "Elizabeth, what I wish that you would do, is sit down and write what you would like your life to look like a year from now and put it in this box. I promise, God will fulfill those desires of your heart and then exceedingly more."  I think of Matthew 7:7, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:."  The second involves, my church.  It, no doubt, will be a teary Christmas Eve service, but my heart looks forward to the dimming of the lights and the reading of  a particular poem,.  I've listened to it for many years on this special evening.  The beginning recounts Jesus' birth and beautiful, simple lifestyle.   However, the end of the poem is what I crave to hear, it will convey all that He is to me, Wonderful Counselor, Great Healer, the Prince of Peace, Emmanuel, Savior of the World ....... 
     

              

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Sam's Safety

All the emotions swirl together, making muddy waters inside of me.  There is no separation, therefore alone, it is very difficult to acknowledge and "deal with" a single emotion and try to understand it.  But, I am not alone.  This week during "my hourly session", our conversation rambled to Shell Beach and my "back porch stranger."  I shared with her my spiritual encounter and the comfort and peace that have been bestowed upon me. Her simple response was, "So, "this" is not about Sam's safety, "it" is about your loss.  Wow, a separation of emotions for me.  Thank you God, for the dotted line that runs down the center of the page, I realize that all of "this" is about what I lost.  I lower my eyes, and tilt my head downward, almost shameful, that I need help with "this."

The flip side of that coin, is Sam's safety, of which I am very convicted.   While pondering this revelation, it became evident, to myself, that I needed to walk backwards and journal what God has said to me, concerning Heaven.  I feel like there are certain things He wants me to know. He has communicated such comfort to me.  Psalms 147:3 tells me that, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."   (That's me!!!! - brokenhearted!!!!!)

LSU and the New Orleans Saints, have each had exemplary seasons of success so far, with a football fanatic like David, every game has garnered his attention.  He wants to participate by watching and reveling with fellow fans. For a particular game, I was to sit with Brooke's friends, David would sit with another friend. I had reserved enough strength to do this and I wanted it to be "good."  For a few hours, I wanted to  be Brooke's mom and enjoy and care for her friends. Anxiety flooded me as I prepared to leave, the threat, the real world.  I desperately needed to be reminded of Sam's safety, of where she was. It was like leaving Sam, all day and all night, and I couldn't find her, before I left. With a child in Heaven, I needed to know more before I left home. I was saying to myself, "Please tell me where she is, I need to know that she is good before I can shift my focus for a few hours." I was desperate for comfort. I called upon my friend.  In tears, I pleaded with her to assure me that Sam was safe.  Her response was, "Elizabeth, I know Sam is good.  Let me send you something I read two nights ago."   These are the words that sank into my heart.


Just like 2 Corinthians 9:8 promises, "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." He sent me words, that carried me through that ballgame, allowing me to concentrate on Brooke, driving her friends to and from Baton Rouge, with loud music and lots of laughter.  In early September, without this comfort, I would not have been able to go.

My "vintage" bike, has been truly a lifesaver.  During the early months, when the weather was warmer, I rode daily.  During these rides I would grieve, oh how I would grieve. But, relief would come when I would listen to music.  Using Pandora, I listened to "Mandisa." She is one of my favorite musical artists. Almost always, I would hear the same song, "You Wouldn't Cry for Me Today."  This is a song I had never heard before, but began to hear it over and over. When I listened to the words, I had to stop and get off my bike.  It is so beautiful and descriptive.  I know, that I am to "hear" this song.  It is a musical illustration of Heaven.

It hurts when I have my crying jags.  It upsets the whole apple cart.  David will insist, "But Elizabeth, Sam is good, she is good!!!" One time while emotions were at a peak, he reached for my hands, held them and said to me, "And I love her enough to let her live there.  We have always wanted tthe best for them.  Heaven is the very best."

I know that Samantha is in Heaven; I know that she is safe.  Through song, text and scripture He illustrates what a glorious, peaceful, perfect place Heaven is.
  
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him."
1 Corinthians 2:9






Thursday, December 1, 2011

My Joy Comes in the Morning

These words have rendered true on many, many mornings, as well as today.  When I convinced myself, after the gentle nudging from that  "back porch stranger", that, " I should blog.", along with the help of another dedicated friend that helped me to get set-up, I knew a positive dialogue with myself would be the way to go.  When I can type the positive, it is a culmination of positive thoughts, which in turn, nurtures my perspective, allowing my mind to align with what I know in my soul.  The negative stands lurking always, ready and wanting to get in my way. I could have very well named this entry "Endless Nights" or "The Dark Veil of Night." I'm not doing it.  It is a constant battlefield of the mind and soul.  1 Timothy 6:12 tells me to, " Fight the good fight of faith.  Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."

So, yes, last night was one of those night. I do not like the nighttime to begin with.  I am an "early to bed, early to rise" kinda girl.  But, the nights, they come anyway, each and every day.  When you take a bundle of grief, ordinary life and a little bit of stress, the walls collapse easily.  It's normal, part of this process. I'm not alarmed at all.  Bedtime 9:30 pm, awake at 12:20 am, with a racing mind.  Which, in turn led me to the computer. This is brutally honest, I found myself "googleing", "How to live after the death of your daughter."   I would like a manual please, a "how to" book, some DIY instructions.  This is what I found:

You never get over the loss.
75% to 80% of all couples who lose a child, end up in divorce.
Eventually, the pain lessens but, it never goes away.

Do I need to go on? No hope, no hope, no hope!! I ran back to my bed, yanked the covers over my head and waited for the sunrise, the dawning of a new day!!  The light!!!!   The promise !!!! Just like Isiah 58:8 claims, "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard."   

While walking, I concentrated on the "morning." I  do this to steady myself for the day.  I notice the sunrise and remind myself that the sun rises, moves across the sky and lands on the other side - no human flips a switch to cause this.  I notice how many different types of weeds, grass, bushes and trees there are right along my side.  I feel the warmth of the sun, on a cold morning.  I instill in myself that a human did not create the sun and its ability to warm.  When I walk in simplicity, I see with such clarity, and I know God walks with me, I open my soul to receive His blessings.  I am enveloped in the Joy of the Morning, just like Psalm 30:5 says, " Weeping may go on all night, but JOY comes with the morning."