Samantha's Story

My time typing has been dwindled, I must be getting somewhat of a life. I'm not complaining, it feels pretty good to begin to move around a bit, to broaden my safety boundaries a little, to engage in life. What a blessing Samantha's Playground project has been. It wasn't my idea but, I think I like being involved. When in public, it is easier play the part of person with a purpose rather than, the mom in mourning.  I'm not completely comfortable in either skin, however, the first is more flattering. (I still squirm when walking in a room, knowing I'm the mom without my child rather than the old me, with both my children.) So, there has been planning taking place, meetings to attend and a website to work on. My latest task, to complete the website was to write "Samantha's Story". Oh, how I struggled to do this. Procrastination was my enemy. It took me weeks to try to wrap my brain around "who" she was, "where" she went, "what" she liked", "when" she did it", and "how" it all happened. Then, to think about writing what I remember on paper!!  I don't like the idea of Sam existing only on a piece of paper! As the weeks rolled by, I learned within myself that I do not like, don't want to write about Samantha in past tense, it hurts. I realize my writings will be just "memories", not "experiences" that will shape Samantha's future, help her to grow, teach her a lesson, or let her learn about herself. None of those things are necessary anymore. Nonetheless, I needed to do this, it is part of the project!!! So to get started, I told myself, just pick three things to write about, just three, and see where it goes. As my good friend has taught me, "Sometimes you just need to put paint on the wall." So, I pondered on first her soul, then her mind and then her body, knowing how monumental this task would be because Samantha was so much. I figured I could share somethings but, she was so much! 

So, I wrote Sam's story and published it on the playground website. It was difficult but it was done! I checked the task off of my to-do-list. As always, after I write something I read and reread it to myself, day after day, asking myself, "Did I record it correctly/", "Is that how it really happened?", "Did that really happen, to me?" Eventually, with acceptance and acquiescence, I experience a feeling of peace with what I have written. ( Sometimes, I feel like I'm reading my own book.) This time as I read and reread, I began to remember more, the funny Sam, the silly and serious Samantha, my "sweet", "average", "normal" 12 year old daughter.  That sweet small voice told me, to remember and to write! So, I did!  

What appears below is "Sam's Story" filled with memories:

An entry from Samantha's journal

Samantha was a child of God, born into, not a perfect home but, born into a family trying its very best to uphold and embrace Christian living just as we, her parents, had promised the day of her christening. As a consequence, as she grew in age and experience, seeds of faith were planted in Samantha's heart. Each level of learning giving new knowledge and Godly guidance. I know, her firm foundation and flourishing faith had an impact on who she was becoming during her pre-teen years. Years of such personal growth and self-discovery, often riddled with questions concerning faith, character, and morality.  Just as it was for Sam. Upon her death, Samantha gave me a genuine gift of comfort, her journal. Within the pages of this precious book her personal relationship with her Heavenly Father is revealed. She was seeking His ways, when she asked Him questions like, " God, I would like to know if wearing what I got at the GAP today is okay? I also wonder about bikinis."  As well, when she confessed, " God, I shouldn't focus as much on my cute clothes and good-looking hair. I should work toward a real rewarding and kind-hearted person on the inside. But, is it still OKAY to have cute clothes..... RIGHT?"  Also, when she revealed her confusion and sought answers from Him when she wrote, " "God, often times I do not hold back my anger, I spill it out and scream and fuss at people. I shouldn't do this! Is it O.K. to ever stand-up for yourself?"  As well, she was learning to put her faith into action. During the summer, Samantha loved spending time at the Kreiger household with her good friend, Georgia. With 4 children in the family, there was always plenty of hustle and bustle.  On one occasion, one of Georgia's younger sisters had to be corrected. Samantha was witness to this and stepped in to give support.  She sat down with the child, asked Kadee, Georgia's mother, for a Bible and began to share something with her.  Oh, I wish I knew what she chose to share. Whatever is was, it work. Kadee was overwhelmed, watching Sam share God's word and Anna-Kate's soul was soothed. What a present of peace knowing that the Holy Spirit had secured a sacred spot in Samantha's soul! 


Samantha was also gifted with a quick wit and honesty, this lessened filter often got her labeled as feisty by her friends; adults adored her! I remember sitting in an auditorium, while on a family cruise, waiting to leave for an excursion, we were all required to have identification before departing the ship. Samantha was 7 years old and scrutinizing her Aunt Jeanette's driver's license when she boisterously commented, "Aunt Jeanette, you got an "F" in sex?"  Everybody heard it and everybody laughed, Samantha was just speaking about what she saw!  In truth, she was candid, gregarious, entertaining and extremely social, easy to make new friends and openly expressing her fondness for them, constantly asking questions and very animated with answers. I will never forget a specific piano lesson. Arriving for pick-up, Samantha's teacher, Robert, said to me with some concern, "Well, we didn't get to cover any new material because Samantha asked too many questions concerning the keys!" I smiled, happy she got the answers that that calmed her curiosity and increased her understanding. The only teacher conference I ever had to attend was because Samantha was under the impression that a particular teacher did not like her because she asked too many questions. I was hesitant to attend the conference, knowing that I had to share and straighten out this misconception. I knew Samantha was somehow getting the wrong impression and I also knew she was asking a lot of questions. This wonderful teacher and I talked and devised a plan to entertain Samantha's love of learning. A few days later, Samantha received a special letter, in the mail, from the teacher complimenting her constant quest for knowledge. 

David and Sam in their chair.

Sam was created with other characteristics. She loved to dance and did so for many years. She was filled with joy and laughter when she attended classes at Northshore Academy of Dance. She was silly and showed it ! She loved watching TV with David, often sitting in the same chair. A chair that was purchased for this particular purpose, so they both could fit.

Babies and pre-school children stole a piece of Samantha's heart, which in turn unfolded her future dreams of being a teacher or a pediatrician. She had such admiration for Ms. Edmundson, her math teacher. Often, she would come home from school, bragging non-stop what a wonderful mother and teacher Ms. Edmundson was. Stating, " She really wants us to learn, Mom. She is such a good mother, she loves her children so much! I can tell, Mom!"  Ms. Stephanie had just recruited her to help teach a 3-year old Sunday School class, in the Fall of 2012. She had tremendous admiration for her older sister; at times to her own detriment. Recently, Brooke revealed to me that Sam would sometimes say, " Brooke, you are so much better than me." To hear that kinda hurt but, Brooke played it down, relegating it to just, "sister stuff." In my eyes, Brooke had achieved many goals, Sam was just getting started. Recalling a particular summer evening, Brooke swam a "sectional" time and Samantha shard the starring role in a play and showed her true colors. David raced in between Mandeville and Baton Rouge, to witness both rewards. Motherhood doesn't come with a paycheck but,  the "mom" inside of my felt like I had earned a bonus that evening. They both performed to the best of their given abilities! I was proud.  However, in Brooke's eyes the tables were turned when I uttered a comment that she will never let me live down. One day, I commented to Samantha, "You know when I look at you, you twinkle, there is something about you that kinda sparkles. You know what I mean, you twinkle!" Brooke heard this and asked, "Well, what about me?" I honestly replied, " You remind me of a horse, a thoroughbred horse! " When I said this, I was thinking about the adjectives used to describe a thoroughbred, the qualities that reminded me of Brooke, steadfast, strong, dependable, tremendous work ethic, "fine" through and through. All she heard was the description, "HORSE."  To this day, Brooke holds me accountable for this one word description of her.    

Paul and Samantha after her surgery. Alas, she was far from perfect. Sam was born with a club foot and after the appropriate operation she had two different size feet. This was going to be a life long situation and was beginning to steal some of Samantha's peace. Nearly always, we purchased two pairs of shoes for Samantha, trying to fit both feet. She would often apologize to David about the added expense. David always provided confident comfort, telling her that the expense was his responsibility and not hers and encouraged her to chose the pair she wanted. When she would succomb to awareness of the physical difference and voice her concern, I would often tell her, "God gave you dimples so nobody will ever notice your feet."  She liked that!  However, she hated putting away her clean clothes.  There was a particular corner in her room where she would piled them up, folded and neat. It was putting them in the drawers that she would dismiss. Eventually, after motherly chiding she would relent, in a huff, and put them away, referring to this chore as her "penance."  She disliked doing it, each and every time. Samantha had other struggles, imperfect vision, severe constipation and she was suffering under the shadows of pre-teen girl drama. Some of this her own doing. Like I wrote, she was far from perfect. My motherly intuition told me this was a normal passing phase, I had walked through this age with Brooke. I remembered!  Sweet girls ..... just growing up; all still learning right from wrong.  However, it was a very "real" situation in her life, near the time of her death. Six weeks before her accident, while sitting outside on the swings in our backyard, she actually cried out to me, "I don't want to live. I don't want to live this life!"  Boy, that is a red flag, I thought!  It was so out of character for Samantha to say this! I was stunned! Immediately, "I" knew nothing was going to happen to Sam because "I" would not allow it to happen."I" thought to myself, You are young enough that "I" will not let you out of my sight until "I" have this figured out."

At this very moment, as I write this, I realize how wrong I was to think I was in control of that situation. I was not, in my human mind I thought I could prevent anything "bad" from happening!!!! I have so much to learn and I have learned so much! 

I called David and told him what happened. He was shocked, sick to his stomach and actually swerved the car while driving. A select few knew of this unnerving comment. It was crushing to hear at the time. On purpose, we kept it within a limited numbers of persons, trying to give Sam time to unwind and relax. We sought professional help; Samantha met with several counselors. As the new school year approach she was still struggling with the situation. David and I knew this! We were "on task!", trying to fix, trying to control!    

Now, I think about the tiny bits of glass and the stained glass window. Up close they don't make sense but as we step back and the picture comes into focus bit by bit, and knowing God is sovereign in all things, I believe this to be divine preparation for David and myself.  I now realize I could try to control Sam and her environment but, there is no controlling what God knows is already going to happen. I can connect another dot, Hauck, the police officer in Shell Beach told me, repeated to me, over and over, "Elizabeth, this is not a surprise to God, he knows Elizabeth, He knows!" Psalms 139:16 teaches me, "Your eyes saw my formed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  

What a revelation as I write! 

 
I'm an "in the box" person; there was a time when I thrived on order, control and predictability.  I didn't like loose ends! (In the near future, it has been placed on my heart to write a blog entitiled, "Learning to Like the Loose Ends." I'm being created anew, learning to embrace the uncertainties and trust and positively anticipate how God will finish His work.) When my kids were young, I dressed them in cute clothes and matching bows. Sam went along with this but, on hindsight there was always a part of her that I couldn't contain, the part that I couldn't completely corral into my corner. Visually, I see a box, with all of my life inside the box. Sam was inside of my box but, always kept one leg hanging out! At times, I couldn't keep up with her life. I mean I did, but I knew "her" life went beyond "my" life. She moved quickly, ignoring boundaries and creating her own space, not needing me to pave the way. Today, I chuckle on the inside, realizing for the first time that for the most part I walked behind Sam, not in front of her.  She was something else and she was so much!!

A Working Vacation

It wasn't until I was headed home, did I begin to realize the work that was done, while on vacation. After "dragging" Brooke to Sedona, she asked to visit the beach this summer, a different beach, one with crystal blue water, this being "her" idea of a "real" vacation. Brooke, two of her long time friends and myself traveled to Grand Cayman for the July 4th holiday.  In between making the plans and departure, I began to feel that slimy, slippery, unconfident feeling. "Can I really do this? All of this; travel, customs, immigration, the care of someone's else's children in an unfamiliar place, a "safe" trip and return home, passports and more!, Do their parents trust me or do they think of me as fragile?" All the doubts I could ever imagine loomed right beneath the surface. David's reply when I asked if he thought I was capable was, "Sure, if something comes up, just handle it. You can do this." On top of those nagging notions were others, ones that just gnawed on me, "How can I do this without Sam?, These other children are not a replacement for Sam., She would have loved this!, Will people think I am trying to fill a hole with other people's children?" I knew I wasn't; and I had a firm conversation with myself, shushing the inner dark voice within me, telling it, that, to be able to travel with Brooke and her buddies was a blessing, one to be enjoy and embraced. It wasn't without effort but, I was able to silence those obstructive absurdities! So, off I went, knowing that because of the place we chose to visit, more than likely, I would be faced with a water activity or two and possibly a boat ride.  Due to the nature of Samantha's accident, neither are on my "to do" list, at this time. I thought about the possibility that these things would be required of me but, it was fleeting, it was mere notion that it might happen, I didn't take the time to envision the details.  Thank goodness I didn't because if I had, I would have never gone.

David made the travel and hotel arrangements; setting us up in the lap of luxury, as safe and secure as he possibly could.  Our travel to the island was smooth and as scheduled.  After our check in, we began to get acquainted with the area; walking the resort and winding up in the gift shop.  The young girl behind the counter greeted us, a conversation ensued and she quickly captured Brooke's attention with her "scuba diving" services.  Immediately, Brooke was all in - "I don't care if I do anything else while I am here, I want to scuba dive!" I froze!!  I looked upward, out the corner of my eyes, towards the left, felling stiff and scared, and said in my head, "Really God, I gotta let her do this? Really?" There was no way out! I knew if I even flinched at the thought, I would give Brooke, "my" fear.  Quickly remembering, Brooke did not stay in Shell Beach for the scuba search of Samantha's body. She was there the first night and in the wee hours of the following morning she asked if she could leave and return to Mandeville. Quickly able to make the arrangements because of great friends; Brooke was gone by 8:00 am. The scuba teams showed up after she left; she never saw them.

The "resort course" entails a early morning 2 hour training session in a swimming pool followed by an afternoon 40' dive, full gear, the real deal!!  So began my mantra, "Different time, different space, different people, different place!" I had to let her do it. As the instructor pulled out the equipment, I was mentally catapulted right back to that first night in Shell Beach. Darkness had set and David and I were sitting on a swing, helpless. I looked up and saw a familiar silhouette marching down the dark street; one showing relentless strength and determination.  Immediately, I knew who he was. His presence brought control in the chaos and determination, in the midst of desperation.  He made a commitment to David and me, "I won't leave without Sam!" We didn't know what he was going to do but, we knew he meant it.  All the while, standing right behind him, a silent, single, scuba diver with a bright orange mask." I looked at that mask and realized they were looking for Sam under the water and not, on top of the marsh. I felt a single, sharp, slice to my heart. It was very, very, very deep, causing complete delirium, a dizzy disorientating feeling.  Kenny, restated his commitment and dutifully disappeared to do his work.  Back at the pool,  I did everything I could to look calm and collected while I watched Brooke slide that scuba mask on her face. Looking back, as I video taped Brooke practicing in the pool, there was an entirely different world inside of me, in sharp contrast to how I looked, cute suit, straw hat, summery sandals, and a sunny smile. I think, I looked like I was poised and peaceful but in reality, I was working. There was a raging war inside of me;  a fight for life, not death; a fight for the light instead of the darkness, for courage rather than fear, a fight of good versus bad, present versus past.  This war was for myself as well as, the impact and influence, I would and could have on Brooke's life.  Another decisive battle was fought when the time came for the underwater dive. First requiring the unwanted boat ride, my mantra kicked in, "different time, different place, different people, different space. I was onboard and headed out to open waters (I think that helped, in that it wasn't the same type of waterway as Samantha's accident had occurred.) I had my full armor on and was engaged in spiritual warfare as I watched Brooke walk off the back of that boat, in a scuba suit and disappear underneath, because of it's depth, the very dark water!! I had to concentrate to stand steady, and not allow my face to show my fear.  I firmly told myself, that I was not made with spirit of fear, I pleadingly reminded myself that God promises abundant life,  and as His children we are called to walk in the "light of life", all the while chit chatting with fellow passengers, in my cute resort wear!! Brooke was gone for 40 minutes, returning fulfilled, excited and exuberant.

Other battles were fought during our trip.  The night snorkel excursion returned my thoughts to the search in Shell Beach.  Before we began, I whispered to Brooke, won't it be neat to see the life that God created under the water. She smiled. (She gets it!) We were required to wear wet suits, walk through the hotel, down the beach, and swim out to the reef.  I wasn't completely comfortable. I prayed, it was short and sweet," Dear Lord, Please let me be able to do this." I needed help! Brooke and her friends, they didn't bat an eye. It was pitch black dark, we carried flashlights as we snorkeled, so that the guide could keep track of us.  I had to fight off decisive, disturbing thoughts such as, " I can see under this water, why couldn't they find Sam under the water?, Why couldn't they?, Is this what it looked like under the water when they looked for Sam?"  I know it was a full out effort, by all involved, to find Samantha's body and I know it was a different time and a different place. It was necessary to put up mental barricades and not let these thoughts take control.  Again, conscienciously fighting for the present, for life and not death, the light not the dark, the present not the past. Next on the agenda the following a.m., a kayak tour through the mangrove forests. We were educated as to what we would see and driven to our launching spot. Once again, I did not have a preconceived notion to what this would look like. Stepping out of the sedan, I spotted the kayaks on the shoreline and once again retreated to Shell Beach. The only thing I could think of was my cousins's husband's kayak. Upon reading a Facebook status, " Please pray for Samantha, she is missing!" Christian quickly strapped his kayak to the roof of his vehicle and headed our way. Not having a conversation with anyone before he left and in keeping with his military training, he came prepared for anything. I am so grateful for all that he did, above and beyond, again using his army taught skills, he documented his entire time in Shell Beach. Notes, that as of yet, I haven't read. At this point, if I exposed my thoughts, I would bring everybody backwards. Nope, not an option, instead another quick request for help, "Lord, just be with me." I climbed in the kayak with Brooke and headed into the choppy sound. Our adventure eventually led us into calmer channels of water - yes, narrow inlets, with sharp, blinding curves. My mind, again, hurled back to Shell Beach. I kept thinking, "This was what it must have looked like when Sam was on the boat! This is not "open" water."  I haven't seen, for myself, the actual accident site but from delivered descriptions, I assumed it was a similar situation. I was in the kayak with Brooke, I was with her two friends and the adult in charge of them - there was no room for a meltdown, or an explosion of anxiety. Again, my mantra, "Different time, different space, different people, different place."

With our afternoon free, I headed to the beach chairs and the girls took a walk. They returned for me. As we walked along the seashore, Brooke delivered to my upper arm, a jab accompanied with a curt command of, "Read that!" We stared, it was surreal! This time God showed up in the shells and sand, with resplendent words of reassurance, "SAM was here." To say the least I was stunned and shocked.  Trying to explain this with practicality, I quickly asked the girls, "Did ya'll do that?, Did you make that?" Their reply, was "No, Ms. Liz, we did not do that, why would we, we were just going to rent jet skis." Kate had a camera.  Quickly I said, "Kate, take a picture!" She did! I'm learning! The disposable camera didn't offer enough assurance. So, I ran back to the room, grabbing a better camera, running back down the beach, this time, no battery in the camera. I ran and returned to the room again, placed the battery in the camera and ran back down the beach. When I got back down the beach the second time, the word "here" was beginning to wash away!  20 minutes or so, it would have been totally washed away and we would not have seen it. Just like the title of Squire Rushnell's book, I consider this "Divine Alignment."

The next exhilarating experience was the jet-ski tour to "Sting-Ray" city. Nearing my excitement limit, I clearly expressed my anxiety to Brooke, Kate and Ann Bailey, demanding that they pay attention, be careful and "no, hot-dogging!" I gave them, our guide and the other guests, strict instructions not to come near me, using physical illustrations to express my personal space and strong vocals to assure understanding.  I didn't want them toooo close. I felt pressed, it was showing! The girls giggled at me; I was serious. What a incredible experience it was, jet-skiing, snorkeling, sting-rays and starfish. I was grateful for Brooke's cautious nature, as she was my driver. ! Not once, did I feel like an accident might happen.

After a safe trip home, I listened as Brooke shared with David the details of our trip. The best part being, when I heard her say, "...and Dad, I didn't get scared once." I just stopped and thanked the Lord. Brooke was back on a boat, back in the water, and back under the water. After the accident and her personal experience during it - there was room for doubt, that she would ever enjoy the water again. Standing in my kitchen sweeping, my mind flipped through the pages of the Bible, recalling something about robbing, stealing and destroying. I should know it but, I didn't. I knew it was there but, I didn't know where.  My neighbor confirmed my thoughts as I shared with her our exciting excursion and all the healing work that was done, referencing the same scripture about the dark coming to rob, steal and destroy but, God giving life, abundant life! Her husband chimed in and made me chuckle when he said, "Good thing you took a picture the first time; I don't think there would have been a return trip there!" I spoke and shared with David, remembering how"SAM" showed up in Sedona, "I think I need to travel more!" At that, we all laughed!

Recalling, after a few days of reflection, I know it was right that I traveled alone, as the only adult, without Dave or a friend. Had there been someone with me, to listen, I would have given a voice to my fears. Speaking them out loud, would have given them strength. Voicing them, would have given them the victory!  In contrast, the war was waged within. The ability to overcome was not my own. I believe through the power of personal prayer, the strength of scripture and with the help of the Holy Spirit, I was able to win.

I looked it up and here it is:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. 

John 10:10

Samantha's Seeds of Faith

I remember leaving Shell Beach, needing to return to Mandeville; wanting to comfort Brooke,  console Paul and attend a service at Samantha's school, Our Lady of the Lake.  Thinking it would be good for Samantha's school friends, to see me, to see us, me and my family in one piece, after such a utterly traumatic and devastating loss. I knew their young world was rocked.  After three days of gut wrenching searching, our prayers were answered, allowing us to peacefully depart.  Yes, peacefully, I remember feeling this way.  I even texted this sensation to my "back porch" friend.

At this point, this person was a complete stranger to me in the earthly way (I know that sounds granola but, really, I never knew her before this time) however, she was the very first person I texted upon finding Samantha's body. A complete stranger but, not really. After, our divine encounter on the back porch, we were sisters in Christ; strangers no more.  The message she brought to me, cloaked me in peace. This stranger was the messenger, I had yet to meet the person who heard the message.  This person, placed in my life, she understood and reassured me of the peaceful presence that enveloped me.  She had prayed for supernatural healing and supernatural peace on that back porch. This peace was bestowed upon me. I was feeling it!!! David and I got in his truck, he inserted, at this time,  his one and only homemade Christian cd and "I Can Only Imagine" echoed across the speakers.  We listened and we heard:

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel 
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still 
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I 
fall 
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all


Upon leaving Shell Beach, LA, I knew Samantha had entered Heaven.  God had revealed Himself and made it known to me, she was in her Father's House. But, how did she do it? How did she act? David and I, in the truck, on the way home, after three agonizing days of searching, actually had a calm but, emotional conversation about how we thought Sam had entered Heaven.  Dave's thoughts were that she might not have done any of the above, not her style; no standing, no singing and definitely not still.  Anyone knowing Sam and her style, I think would agree. We concurred more than likely, she entered Heaven, arms held high and wide, running with reckless abandon,  expecting to be greeted, waiting to be welcomed and embracing it all with eager enthusiasm. An image immediately popped into my mind and I said, "I bet, I know how she entered Heaven, I can see it! Exactly like she ran through the doors of "The Highway" for a summer youth group session. " This is one of the very faint things I can see in my head, and only from the backside. The Tuesday evening, before her accident, Samantha chose to attend a "Girl Talk" get-together (mind you, she chose to skip the paid tennis lesson!!) Excitedly, she hopped out of the car, ran towards the door, flung it opened, raised her arms in the air, extended them wide, wide enough to receive many embraces, expecting fully to receive them and never, never looking back.  What an entrance! Samantha's style!!

Today, I am packing up a project. One that chronicled Samantha's life at St.  Timothy's.  We entitled the project "Samantha's Seeds of Faith"; it was created in conjuction with a playground, God willing,  we hope to help build for the children of our church and community.  (How fitting, St. Timothy's was a very special place to Samantha and to think there might be a playground built there in remembrance of her; a place of love, happiness, faith and play, settles within in me well. ) Before I put the pieces away, it is important to me, to record in words the "seeds of faith',  that were planted in Sam's soul, St. Timothy's being the fertile soil. The itty, bitty seed, planted at a very young age was Samantha's baptism, then, being a child of believers. But, the beginning of deep roots developing. Often, we would flip through family photo albums, the snapshots of this ceremony instilled in Samantha, an early commitment to a Christian way of life.  As a infant she was cared for and nurtured by Ms. Nita and others in the nursery. Pre-school and early childhood years were spent with Sunday School teachers. She learned how to paint, draw, cut and glue and sing of Jesus's love. She used paper, glue, sequins and yarn to recreate the sweet, simple bible stories she was being taught.  She would often ask me, " Can we read the one, when the man goes through the roof!"As I see it, seeds are still being planted, soon they begin to sprout as Samantha was able to actively participate by, doing what she was learning.  Opportunities such as, playing the part of an angel or a lamb in the The Living Nativity, or carrying palm leaves on Palm Sunday, singing with Ms. Vanda and the Children's Choir, or Acolyting at the earlier service allowed her "seeds of faith" to mature.  Independence allowing personal growth.  Samantha's summers were spent growing in God's love, as well.  One week in particular brought her such joy; the week of Vacation Bible School.  She attended every summer, starting in the nursery while I volunteered, all the way until, she was able to serve as a youth helper.  She commented to me last summer, at the

pre-teen age of 12, "I think they should have Vacation Bible School, every week of the summer! It's the best." I chuckled to myself, knowing the huge undertaking VBS is and how, just this summer this ministry served 650 children of this community.  I wondered how Ms. Susan and Ms. Stephanie would react to such a plan. As well, she always looked forward to SummerStars with the Klipsch's and Ms. Kenya, who shared a kindred spirit with Samantha.  This was an occasion to "act" and be on stage.  Playing the part of  Little Alice, in Alice In Wonderful, proved to be a poignant part for Sam. Ms. Kenya certainly knew how to bring out the best in Sam!! As her faith and knowledge grew she was supported by Ms. Anita, her small group leader for several years. At one time her group was reading, "The Women of the Bible." Sam once asked Ms. Anita, "Why do we learn about these women who keep messing up?" Ms Anita's chuckling response was, "Because, we all need to know that even when we mess up, God still loves us!" Ms. Anita, always guiding, always teaching, always bringing laughter and happiness.  Sam loved and laughed with this lady. During this time, also journaling her own thoughts and questions, documenting her growing knowledge and her quest for answers.  Samantha's school played a special part in her journey as well, allowing her  and encouraging her to pray during the day and the privilege to participate in the Religion Fair. I remember one particular project, so very well.  We chose "The Plagues" as a topic and then I asked Samantha, "Do you want to "just" do this project, or DO YOU WANT TO "DO" THIS PROJECT?" She was all in and the results won her a school award. Brooke and her friend, Rachel dressed her as an Egyptian, posed her and snapped the pictures. With the help of a great friend, we embedded her image into a scene that depicted each plague.  (We had so much fun doing this together. ) This was one of the few projects, Uncle Paul and Mr. Mark weren't involved with.

In recent summers, Samantha relished her week at Camp Istrouma, first attending with a school friend, Emma. The next year, racing to return, enticing a dear friend, Lydia to join her, along with other children from church. For her, this was such a faith filled week, with freedom and fun.  Then some things changed and bumped up a notch, Sam had reached a new stage, one of personal commitment. Her Confirmation. The opportunity to affirm, herself, her own belief in Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior.  She had completed the required classes with her peers and teachers, and made the special trip, on the big bus, to visit with the Bishop.  What fun memories were made on this day, with Jennifer and Jeff.  Samantha asked for a new dress for this special Sunday. My answer to the dress was, "Yes, but remember this is not about the new dress, this is about what is going on in your heart." She replied, with a sweet sarcasm, "I kkknnnoooowwww Mom, I know!" Choosing her "other mom" as her sponsor, Ms. Sue!  This was a unique friendship, these two.  What love and joy and happiness they had with each other.  Ms. Sue was so special to Samantha, giving her a beautiful Bible as a confirmation gift.  This is the Bible I use now, always reminding me of the blossoming of Sam's faith. With confirmation complete, she was on to "The Highway", the youth worship center, a sometimes intimidating step, being that this is the youngest age group in attendance.  For Samantha it was just the opposite, she didn't skip a beat, skip a meeting, skip a service, skip a meal, skip an activity, she didn't skip anything that she could do!  She would ask, " What is going on next, Mom? When is the next time I can go?" The worst was when I had to reply, "You have to wait until Tuesday!"  Instantly, she was connected to these people and personalities. At a time in her life when she needed to be loved, she was. I am so grateful for all, who along the way, reached out and welcomed her.  She even made me cancel a somewhat expensive summer camp, we had scheduled, to plan to participate in, "Weekend of the Cross." She was so excited to "serve." This wasn't a possibility but, I know she is in full-service now. (It has been difficult for me to let go of how I thought this summer would be, for her and me.  Last summer, she and I discussed  all that she would do, her first mission trip, the long awaited Big Stuff trip and another fulfilling "Weekend of the Cross", along with Youth group and early am Frisbee. She would have done it all and, I would have volunteered some!  The mother in me struggles at times, thinking she missed out.  But, in Truth, I know she is not!)  My good friend, commented to me, shortly after Samantha's death, "It was like God was drawing her near, pulling her closer, she just couldn't get enough of Him." What a way to spend your final days; running to His arms.  Then, she was there! We celebrated Samantha's life and resurrection in the same sanctuary, where we celebrated her christening and confirmation. His presence was felt at the time of her birth, as David and I witnessed the miracle of life and overwhelmingly, at the time of her death. Samantha's seeds of faith had brought her full circle.  Words spoken to me, breathed into me by Hauck, a man of faith and a police officer with the St. Bernard Sheriff's office, who stood with us day and night, strengthening our spirits and praying for peace, while committed citizens searched for Samantha, resound within me, "Elizabeth, remember,  He is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the First and the Last". And, so it was for Samantha, the Lord she was learning to love was with her in the beginning, and He walked with her until the end! Just as He says in Revelation 22:13! He was her Alpha and her Omega.

  Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

Proverbs 22:6

       

Grace Given

The month of May didn't allow much time to relax, reflect and write.  I knew these days were coming and it was pure survival! There were several of those dreadful dates, the passing of each isn't just a day.  I have learned to expect prior anxious days, the day, and a few days for recovery. Samantha's birthday causing the highest level of disorientation, followed by a graceful endurance of Mother's Day, and yet a peaceful passing of remembrance for the life of my mother.  In addition, we have had to withstand the shifting and switching of legal obligations, of which I have no control; yet it involves my family and my children.  The closing of a school year and the beginning of a "new" kind of summer; changes are still constant.  As well, life and living has somehow seeped into my story.  So, finally, a day to be still.  I am very grateful to stop.

Samantha's 1st Birthday

I find it difficult to record all the nasty, narly details of each passing problem.  They happened! I was so mad Brooke had to experience another early, a.m.,  knuckle - knock on the front door, to serve yet another subpoena, causing fear and anxiety within her, more tears, more trauma!!!  Back on my bike, I  screamed and yelled at my God for having to live through the day of Sam's birth and not have her here to hold and hug!! I was a mess!! (I am learning why I ride my bike so often and more so, at times of great stress.  No one can see me while I'm am out there alone; sometimes it is not pretty.  I don't want anyone to see me like that, it won't do anyone, any good.  It happens, but I feel like I need to hide it!!  It's ok! ) After that particular bike ride, I was so sorry for my anger.  I confessed my actions and thoughts to a friend and she knowingly shared her perspective, teaching me that "it is cleansing and healthy "to go there" and brings new healing and a new depth of wisdom." I am so grateful to the guiding hands given to me! It made me sad to know Brooke sat, while David cried as they watched the movie, "Mama Mia", together. One of Samantha's favorite movies. That is what David did to remember Sam on her birthday, doing something they would have done together.  I will never forget the profound confusion of that day.  I think I thought, I could just tip-toe through it! Not too much emotion, not too much thought! She wasn't here, we didn't have to celebrate.  NOT!!!!!  As for Mother's Day, to prevent from having to go all in, I told myself it was just another Hallmark holiday!!! Allowing myself some wiggle room; enjoying the activities but not surrendering the part of myself that could be hurt, to the day. Emotionally, I kept at a safe distance, still in recovery mode from the birthday beating.  Remembering  the life of my mother this year was different.  I know she greeted Samantha in Heaven.  Part of me is grateful she was there to show Sam around, if that's how it happens.  As for the start of summer, I knew it would bring yet another adjustment period.  A summer with no Sam.  It is surreal and sad, still! There is no denying the swiss cheese sensation that I feel.   The month of May brought many holes to my heart.

Laced between all of the daunting days has been a little bit of life.  Somehow, it happened and I didn't know it.  I certainly didn't plan it. The season of Spring has beckoned me to life, and I have tried to respond. Gardening, walking, riding, by nature, I love to be outside.  Graduations, gatherings and girlfriends have given me a reason to get up and get going. Projects, people and purpose have rendered reason to respond. Even problems of a normal life have distracted me and required my performance.  All these things reducing my writing.  That's ok, too.  The Bible tell us there is a season for everything.

At one time, I thought of writing a blog titled, "Learning a New Language."  Quickly, without any initiation of my own, I was hurled into many new worlds;  grief, maritime law, psychological counseling, search and rescue, trauma, medical, religious, spiritual, insurance and attorneys. I walked in a language minefield for quite a time; not fully understanding the vocabulary associated with each field. However, sometimes having to make lasting decisions concerning them all. I like words and want to understand.  One of the words on that list was Grace, I needed to grasp the true meaning. I have heard, spoken, read and said this word. It was printed on just about every sympathy card I received. However, I knew I didn't truly get what it meant for me and my life, with respect to sympathy and Samantha.  I mean really get it!! ( I took a poll, I am not the only one ignorant of a true understanding) I was fortified when I cleaned a bookshelf and laid my hands on one of my old books, If Life is a Game, These are the Rules by Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph. D. She starts off describing grace as, "One of those intangible qualities that is difficult to describe but easy to recognize." There you go, it is difficult to describe; making it hard to understand. I'm feeling better.  Jesus Lives by Sarah Young confirmed for me that grace is God's provision in my life.  Towards the end of May, James preached a sermon on grace; further reinforcing my growing knowledge. He explained there were different types of grace. As well, he recited the lyrics of "Amazing Grace",

T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...

and Grace will lead us home.

I sat there and thought about that; trying to recall how that looked in my life. Well, I couldn't ignore the overwhelming joy I felt at that moment, as I peered down the pew at Brooke and four of her friends.  Yes, 4 teenage guests on one day. For no single "reason" at all, there they sat with us.  I was thrilled - my heart was happy! I was happy for them - I was happy for myself.  I was so grateful and thankful for the presence of those kids; and not feeling suffocated with the absence of Samantha.  Sweet, sweet grace!  God's provision in my life! That's how it looks! As this day came to a close, I wandered outside to water; the evening was still and I could hear within myself.  I marveled at James' message and my mother's moment.  My soul stirred, I clearly realized at that moment, that I would be given everything I need to get through this unthinkable tragedy. It won't be easy, it won't always be pretty or "right", nor will I know what to expect. But, what I do know is, His Grace has brought me safe thus far and His Grace will lead me home.

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A Holiday with Hope

Movie night at the beach

We knew this year would be different, so we decided to do it different.  For our family,  the past several years, Easter was spent at the beach. Brooke has been the guest of a wonderful family for several years, vacationing with them, each Easter.  Stories of the fun and family atmosphere she enjoyed, led our family there as well.  After her first visit, Samantha was hooked.  She loved this bicycle riding, beachside community.  Sam would plead with David to return each Easter, always wanting to be accompanied by Hannah, her cousin or a school friend.  As usual, David entertained Samantha's requests! We loaded up our bikes, Sam packed her bike riding backpack and we went. I loved having a house full of kids; relaxed, suntanned, tired and content.  All enjoying some of God's greatest gifts, the sun, the sand and the surf.  I have fond memories of movie nights, game nights, Easter baskets and spring toys.  Easter morning church service trumped all of this.  I dearly loved walking to the white chapel on this special morning. Extended families and long-time friends vacationing together, worshiping together and receiving communion together.  My children and David knew, I adored this special time, at this special place!   Over the years Samantha grew in age and independence.  Remembering, I smile.  Her first year; no bike riding without an adult or her older sister was the mandate. The next year, checkpoints and walkie/talkies were instituted. Her last year there, she had graduated to bike riding freedom and a cell phone.  The parade ground, the ice cream stand, the snowball stand and the hamburger joint with fried pickles were her favorites!  She had so many fond

Samantha and Morgan 2011

memories herself, she even wrote a school poem about her visits there.  David could visualize Samantha at every corner of this community. We talked about this. Knowing if he chose to vacation at the same spot, David would continually be flooded with memories that included Sam.  David would be very alone in this experience ( I still don't/can't think about Sam nor, can I picture her in my head.)  After some thought and discussion we chose to vacation elsewhere.  Same beach but, a different spot.  I'm learning that at certain times, for now,  it is easier to be in a spot where, Sam shouldn't be.      

Why didn't I realize there would be 12 year old little girls in Rosemary Beach for Easter? There were plenty!!  Dave and I sat on the beach and we were surrounded.  Polka dot bikinis, pigtails and cellphones.  This tween age group was well represented.  So, we sat, we stayed and we watched, sometimes I bet we both tried to ignore our surroundings. We didn't even need to talk about it! We were together but, we were so alone!! Families together, enjoying each other. Dad's playing Kadema, mom's snapping pictures, siblings teasing and snacking.  At times, my mind wondered with dangerous thoughts, "Look what they have and I don't!", "I will never vacation with both of my daughters, again!" My agitation grew when I would see a parent becoming impatient with their child. That scene would illicit a treacherous thought such as, "If they only knew what it would be like to lose one, they better start being thankful and to cherish each moment." So there you have it!! I am human and far from perfect.  I am a sinner and constantly need forgiveness!!  These are truthful realizations but, dangerous, destructive and debilitating thoughts.  I noticed the acid they produced inside of my heart.   I had to snatch these thoughts and stuff them; not allowing them to take hold and take root inside of me.  I quickly changed the image inside of my head.  More peaceful, grateful emotions flowed through me when I concentrated on the beauty I was witnessing;  families and friends; relaxing and creating lasting memories together. Siblings sharing and playing together, drip sandcastles and buckets and shovels; the necessary discipline from a parent.  Aaahhh, and the infamous family beach picture; khaki and white clothing and a brilliant sunset as the backdrop.  Each of these pictures borrowing just a bit of God's creation. With my focus where it should be, as Philippians 4:8 instructs me, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." No longer was my soul  poised for a fight, ready for battle.  Instead, with precious new eyes, I rested and relaxed, as I witnessed love expressed in so many different ways.

Easter Morning 2012

As in the past, Easter morning trumped all!!  What a privilege and an outright blessing to walk hand-in-hand with David, to the Western Green, to celebrate the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior.  Unfamiliar with our surroundings, we followed the crowd (what a wonderful way to find a worship service); as we approached I heard the singing of one of my most loved hymns, "How Great Thou Art." (Carrie Underwood does it best!) We quickly joined in. David looked at me, he smiled! It was special. We were different than the day before. This new day, we were alone but, we were so together! We found a spot amongst the gathering; once again the families were there, the 12 year old tween girls, in their sundresses; young children barefoot with new bunnies. All of this contributing to, memories in the making.  We listened to the redeeming message of eternal hope and gracious, everlasting love.  Jesus was crucified, died and on the third day arose from the dead. Through his death, burial and resurrection, Jesus paid the penalty of sin, thus purchasing for all who believe in him, eternal life in Christ Jesus.  Eternal life, whoop, whoop, as my friend says!!!  I quickly texted another friend after receiving communion with this family of believers (I didn't know a single soul there, yet I think I know one thing they all believe in)  expressing how grateful I was for Easter Sunday and what we celebrate!  This is a holiday filled with Hope!!

"He is not here, for He is risen, just as He said..."

Matthew 28:6