David Jeremiah wrote, "journalizing, memorializes the blessings of God" in his book, "When Your World Falls Apart, Seeing Past the Pain of the Present." My dear family and myself have recently experienced a terrible tragedy, resulting in the death of my precious daughter, Samantha. This is an unwanted journey, one of the most difficult walks that any parent can experience. It is riddled with extreme grief, profound disorientation, and beautiful graces from God. He holds me close. He has not forsaken me. Even though, my heart is shredded with sadness, I shed buckets of tears, I question my purpose now and I wander astray at times, I know I love God. He is real and present. I know what I know!!! And, I feel privileged to have the opportunity to share with you. I have learned that I am at my best when I walk with God, not against Him.


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Today I am OK

Praise God! Today -  I am Ok!  Today - I am OK!

Why? 

Why do I always need to know why?  I have a desire to know why and how I can be ok, even for a day? Geez, next lesson needs to focus on just "letting it be", basking in the momentary sense of serenity. At times, I am my own worst enemy!  But, I know sifting through the emotions, actions and reactions will allow me to find the answer. I think (usually, thinking manifests itself as mental madness!!!) the pattern of moving forward, or processing or whatever it is called looks something like this - because of God's abundant grace, there is a healing moment, that in turn quiets the soul, allowing mental clarity, therefore wrangling our emotions, and brining us to a new place, a new path of thinking. All of this takes, TIME.

Since returning from Sedona, I have notice a surreal shift of my thoughts. I mean a minuscule shift, about the thickness of a thread, that's allows me to entertain the idea that Samantha's life was a separate entity from mine.  This thought flashes, flickers and quickly flees from my mind, but there is no denying that it  happens, ooooooooccasionally! Returning to Sedona and seeing "SAM" carved in the rock, brings much healing to the part of my soul that is dedicated to Samantha's well-being.  I know by faith, that she is better than me but, now, with the picture printed and placed in "my space" I can see that she is happy and read that she is happy. When I see the picture with my eyes, it prompts me to visit a place of peace. Being her mom and looking backwards, happiness is really, what I always wanted for her then, now and forever.  As crazy as that sounds, all of that helps to hold onto that "happy" place.

So, there is the first step.  A healing that brings happiness!! That is the beginning of the chain of reactions.  So, with a piece of my soul still for a moment, I find myself pondering, my friend, Paul's comment concerning comets and stars. When Paul spoke, he referred to Samantha's life as a comet.  This conjures up the image of a bright, brilliant, ball of fire, blazing across the sky with a shorter life in comparison to a steadfast star, shining in the distance, for quite sometime. When I concentrate on this image, I can see that Samantha's life was separate from mine; she, quite similar to a comet, myself, not in any way. She blazed, I don't.  She left a lasting impression with others, I tip toe away hoping, not to be noticed. She was bright and fiery, moving fast, I am not.  I get it - we were different people, with different characteristics, individual lives therefore with unique purposes. ( I hate even being able to think like this!!!!!!!!!!!! For 12 years plus , considering the months her life came to being, in my body!!!!, our souls, bodies and lives were intertwined, connected, in so many ways, we were "one!!" )


But, in reality we were not one; we were separate. ( There is the flicker again - is this a tiny toe crawl towards letting go or acceptance?!?!?!)   ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I don't want to let go!!! )  Ironically, today I began to read, "For the Living of These Days.", with a copyright of 1946.   In chapter 11, Mr. Elliott refers to the question that Jesus posed to the man at the pool of Bethesda, " Wilt thou be made whole?" or translated, " Do you want to get well?"  He goes to state, " God confronts every one of us who says that he wants peace with these words: "My children, do you really want to get well?' I don't know - with all honesty, I really don't know if I want to get completely well; if that means letting go - all the way - deep deep complete release ????  total trust, the kind that doesn't allow doubt to exist??????  Of course I do but, I don't!!!!)  Mr. Elliott goes on to state, " The lesson here is plain: all healing, whether personal or social, individual or collective, waits upon genuine desire. The plain, realistic fact is that we have never wanted peace sufficiently to fulfill the conditions that will bring it. " (I interpret that as total trust, complete release of Sam into my Heavenly Father's loving arms, with no guilt!)  This is such hard work!!!   Do I really want to get well? Another question for another day; today I'm figuring out why I'm Ok! See how easily I get twisted!

But, back to today. I am OK!  Each OK day is a baby step! One for which I am truly thankful for but, as I see now, resisting to fully, truthfully, sincerely, deeply, live the "OK" day.  Maybe, because I don't want to be that OK?????!!!!! (I'm learning about myself - this might be a part of me that needs attention!) 

Lately, there has been a reprieve from dreadful dates, we have taken a major step towards "closure" with minimal drama and there is more light to each day; each aspect lightening the load.  The futures lingers on the outside ledge of my thoughts; Easter, Sam's birthday, the summer, July 16th, "one year". The pending events are there, but with desperation, I am trying not to give them my attention, today. In Chapter 14, "Living a Day at a Time," Mr. Elliott reminds me, "I know God promises strength and wisdom and endurance only for today. He also promises grace for each contest as it comes: never for the entire season's schedule. " As thy days, so shall thy strength be." Amen!

I know what is going on here and I think it was best described by Caleb Chapman in Choosing to See:
   
     The only word I've been able to come up with is confusion ... we feel so many different things.
     We have joy and we have sadness, we feel loved and we feel lonely ... but I have never been this
     confident in Jesus Christ.  And I've never been this confident in heaven.

     The only analogy I can come up with is this: it's like God is an abstract artist ... when you are real
     close to a painting like this, it's hard to focus, it's blurred, and you can't see what's going on.  You
     have to walk really far back, and then the whole painting comes into focus and you can see what the
     artist is doing.

Maybe, today, I was able to take a baby step backwards, clearing up a crumb of confusion, realizing Sam's life, her purpose, was separate from mine.  Yet, the purpose and meaning of her life, as well as, how it relates to mine, is not clear to me, yet.  What am I to do with all of this? Am I to do something, with all of this? If so, what is it? That kind of clarity will take many, more baby steps backwards, sharpening my focus !!!  

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:9


 

 







     
   
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