I Cried Today

Samantha with The Kreigers' 

Actually, I cry everyday.  But today I cried all day, midday I stopped and asked myself, "Why today, why are you crying today?" Today, I cried because I "did it".  A major holiday, Thanksgiving has come and gone. Without you!!!  I cried because on a family "girls" weekend get-a-way, you weren't there. I cried because I didn't have to buy the outfit that I spotted in the window and thought to myself, " How cute, Samantha would have loved that for Christmas."  I cried because I didn't have to go to "Delia's" clothing store, because while in the mall, nobody asked me for an Aunt Annie's cinnamon pretzel and because I didn't have to buy a gold headband. I cried because I miss my life with you, I miss seeing your things, I miss washing your clothes and telling you to pick up your room.  I miss the pile of clothes in the corner of your room.  I miss your green backpack and hand warmers.  I miss fixing you hot chocolate and bringing you to the bookstore. I miss studying with you. I miss watching you play the WII.  I miss Georgia, Anna Kate, Shelby, Jay, Ms Kadee and Mr. Scott.  I miss seeing you walk down the street after school. I miss your OLL friends and their families, I miss watching you dance at NAD, I really miss seeing the joy in your heart after a St. Timorthy's youth group activity. I miss hanging out with you ! I miss hugging you!  I miss your laughter and your love!!!!!  I still don't have the ability to see you or hear you in my mind. My mind shuts off, slaps the door shut when I try to think of you. But, inside of me there is an overwhelming sense of change and sadness. 

So, Christmas is next.  The decorations are rapidly adorning stores, yards, and churches. It will be our turn next. I wonder how I will do this? Am I strong enough to unpack your stocking, take out your favorite nutcrackers, you just adored the funny one with the tall hat given to you by Morgan.  Do I really have to  unpack and hang all of your ornaments? It won't be our family Christmas if I don't.  Do I buy you an angel ornament for each year, now? Or, maybe a star?  I want you to still be here. 

With Thanksgiving a memory and Christmas on the horizon, I have had a very teary day.  Which, made for a somewhat sappy lunch date with my husband, David.  I cried there, too.  Yep, in the restaurant while chewing.  I even remember saying, "Give me a minute, it will just go away."  Then, I said it! I told David, I didn't want this to be a part of my life. I told him I was doing it kicking and screaming!!!   He questioned my faith.  It is confusing to him that at times, I want to give into the pain, to let it consume me and claim me.  He doesn't understand how I can talk of  God, witness to His very presence in my life, love Him and still cry, kick and scream.  I explained to him, that without the help of my God, I would stay in the miry clay.  I live on God's promises.  I need my daily, on a day like today, hourly " bread." (I feel like I waited to long to eat and had a hunger attack!!)

What I realized after lunch is that David sees me at my weakest and my strongest! He has seen the power of God lift me, bringing my heart and soul to a place of peace, healing and strength.  When I wrap myself in God's armor, His power, His love, His promises, I can do "this" thing. Also, my faith empowers me to share God's message of Hope with others. This is definitely the better "place" to be. David questioned my faith because he has seen the healing power it has and doesn't understand why I can't "hang on to it", all the time.  David, so desperately wants me to stay in this state. It hurts him to see me cry so, he wants to fix it. (The new BMW - my little slice of heaven - is nice, but I'm wise enough to know that this tangible object does not have the power to heal.) I will always know God is real, but sometimes I get lost.. It hurts and I forget. I try so hard but, embarrassingly, David witnessed me today in weakness.  I was trying to do this walk alone. A few days of busyness and  I forgot what I read in one of my devotionals,  "Hope" by Nancy Guthrie about "Manna from Heaven."  In speaking with a friend experiencing grief, she asked, " How do you do this?'  The reply was "Manna." She explained, "Just as the Israelites had to depend on God to provide manna to sustain them every day in the wilderness, she had to depend on God to give her the manna to sustain her as she grieved her loss.  The friend realized that daily nourishment came from the hand of God. His words of truth are the only thing that soothes and satisfies our souls.  The thing about the manna that God provided was that it could not be stored up.  A fresh supply was needed every day."  I know how this feels.  I need a fresh supply every day, to nourish and sustain me.  My "meltdown", "moment of weakness" , whatever you want to call it was because I got "busy", went out of town,  and didn't feed my soul enough. I take responsibility, we are call in Matthew 7:7 "to seek and we shall find."

I broke another rule as well, I looked into the future without God's presence. I worried about Christmas and decorating without considering that He will walk with me through that. We are clearly instructed in Matthew 6:34, ""So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." This scripture tells me to live just one day at a time - when that day of decorating comes Jesus will be with me, in whatever way I need.  I believe that.

I need to go back to the basics and treat myself better, each day, I will relish my alone time with God, I will rest in His healing powers, and allow His Peace to seep into every crack of my broken heart. I will be still and know that He is God and I will live one day at a time. I cannot do this alone.

The Channels to my Heart

Recently, I have been told that there are channels to my heart and that it was best to protect those channels because the traffic traveled through the channels, would then, in turn, affect my heart.  "Protecting His heart"  was something that Jesus did when he had alot on his mind. That story was shared with me very early in this experience.  It made such good sense and it has worked for me every step of the way. 

Last week's events led me to a local Christian bookstore, Simple Goodness.  I was there for two reasons, the first being, I was so to purchase a book, "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman and give it to a fellow sufferer.This book was also a gift.  It was given to me by a dear friend,to help me understand that I was not alone,  to help fortify my strength and my trust in God to preserver through this trial. The story was so similar to ours, when I finished reading it, I know we could do "hard" as well.  Just as the Chapman's knew to find counsel in God's word, so did I.  The days following the accident, the first few days of being at home are a blur, our families have yet to sit down and rehash those dark days.  But, I do remember professing over and over again, that God would not forsake us during this tragedy.  I knew we needed to seek Him first, I knew he was so very close to us.  He promises not to forsake us but, we just had to look.  I felt a profound sense of God's very presence with me then and I do on a continuing bases.  God clearly states,  "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’ ” (Hebrews 13:5-6)  Also, in Psalms 46:1 it is promised."God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."  He is and continues to be.

So, I browsed for the book, found it and struck up a conversation with the salesperson/owner.  As our chat progressed from the books to read, to why we chose to read them, I had the opportunity to confess that I was "the mom of the little girl in the boating accident over the summer." It's safe to say it that way, everybody knows, today I am thankful for that, because I truly believe that each and every person that knew, prayed for our families.    I believe, that was the second time I spoke that confession out loud, I feel safe there, in a place where I will receive refuge and comfort from God's promises.  So, then our conversation changes to Sam, her accident, the communities involvement, the children experiencing a sudden tragedy etc.  Then I share my "real" story with her.  I share one of my experiences with God, the one on the back porch of the camp, at Shell Beach, LA.  She cries, she is in awe, she tells me it is special and to tuck it in my heart. I know she believes me and that she believes it's real.  What a relief to speak with someone like this, another perfect stranger but immediately a sister in Christ.  She has so much to share with me - she begins by telling me the story of the seed and how it is dry and placed in a pouch.  The outside of the pouch holds a picture of the blossoms that are to be produced with these tiny seeds.  The picture is the promise of abundance.  But, in order for the seed to sprout, it has to be placed under the soil, in the dark, essentially buried for awhile  (oh yeah, I do feel like I am buried under the soil, in the dark, all alone) but, then with nurturing and watering and light the seed sprouts, grows and blossoms.  Occasionally, a  weed sneaks in and tries to suffocate the roots and take over the growth, so its the farmers responsibility to pull the weeks out (doubt, fear,opinions and anxiety) , to cast them away so the seed is freed, to blossom to its fullest ripeness.   I get it , I understand what she is telling me.  She is affirming to me that my stories, my encounters with Christ, Hannah's encounter with Christ, the experiences shared with us by others claiming to feel God's presence during their walk through this trauma are real as well.  She instructs me to hide these things in my heart so that they can prepare to grown and to blossom. As well, to protect them and to hold them dear.

Of course, I express my doubt, she firmly says, "No, Elizabeth they are real." Great example of "stinking thinking" on my part.  Then she explains to me how to protect my heart, to protect these experiences, she begins to speak of "channels to your heart."  Your ears are a channel to your heart, so watch what you hear because it will affect your heart.  Your eyes are a another channel to your heart so, watch what you see, it will affect your heart.  Another channel, is your mouth, what we speak will affect our hearts.  Then, she prays with me, in the middle of the store, we are both weeping, she places her hand on my head and asked "that I be crowned with supernatural peace and healing." Now, my therapist has never done this before, but, I sure do feel better, I have been given what I need for that very moment by the mercy of God. Now I know why they call Him the "Great Counselor." This visit was beautiful and healing. I leave feeling renews and capable of doing "hard."

Sunday morning, I am teary - it's the beginning of Thanksgiving break and my home has a deafening quiet all throughout. Normally, it would be full of laughter and kids, excited about their school breaks, sleepovers and chocolate chip pancake breakfasts.  It is not, this year.  Sadness has crept in, and a bit of loneliness and uncertainty and long inactive evenings.  These new features bring doom to me, I cry on the way to church Sunday am.  I choose a pew closer to the back, which is unusual, so I don't distract the others, with my tears. I know, they will be in full swing this morning.  The music is always painful for me, it touches the very place that emotion resides within me.  So, I weep and weep - David tells me he loves me, Hannah looks at me with sorrowful eyes, Angela wipes her own tears away and Brooke is strategically place away from me so that we don't both collapse.  Claire escapes with the loving excuse of bringing Conner to children's church.  We begin to sing "Blessed Be Your Name."  The lines:

"You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Blessed be Your Name"

They cause a tremendous sting but, more than that, what I noticed was, that as I sang it, I believe it! I believe He does give and take away but, my heart will choose to say, "Blessed be Your Name."  I smile, I have experienced it and I know it, my mouth is a channel to my heart.  What I chose to say, what I chose to sing will affect my heart.  So, again, I choose God's words and God's ways because I am learning that when I work with Him rather than against Him, I am more able to be the person I think He wants me to be.  I share some of this story with (I'll call her "my back porch stranger" for now  Until, I formally introduce you to her and to her willingness to obey God is a bold way.  She supports me with these words:

Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion - inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will,which is Love and Mercy itself.  And to that I say,

"Amen"

An Immediate Assault on my Mind

So, there are so many things to share - but the most driving force in my mind is "No, don't do this!" Nobody cares, no one chooses to reads the writings of a desperately sad mom who realizes the inevitable situation is that she must live. And, eventually live a life not full of tears and constant thoughts that my life must be lived without Sam and I need to be ok with that.  But, to be ok with it, means to go on and healthily adjust, to accept this thing.  I feel there is no real way out. My mind races continually with thoughts such as ... What if, I chose the wrong name for this blog?, What if, I write about the wrong thing?,  What if, there comes a day when the pain is so great or there is so many distractions that I can't share/don't see God's blessings, what if there is a day that I just lose it and show my sometimes anger with God on my blog originally intended to highlight His blessings, what if, as I tell my story I offend someone, leave someone out or hurt someone's feelings. What if what I write, no one will believe? What if, Paul finds out I am doing this, reads something posted that would further crush his spirit.  Is the risk worth it?

There is also fear and anxiety concerning whether I am Christian enough to do this.  I have always believed in God and as long as the sunrises and sets, I will acknowledge and praise His presence.  But, wow I have been surrounded with warriors for Christ.  People have prayed with me in stores, I have had people place their hand on my head as they prayed, knelt on one knee in front of me and bowed down on both knees to pray for me, for my family and or all affected.  Their prayers were so eloquent, so reverend, exploding with calls to Jesus for healing and peace.  I don't know if I know how to pray like that.  I ask myself if I could do that for another fellow sufferer?  Also, I feel inferior quoting scripture, I mean I know a few by heart, but, I certainly don't know them all.  The bible stories that I know are ones taught to me during childhood, not as an adult.  What if I mess this up?

On many occasions during the past few months, I have had to do tasks I didn't want to do.  A simple trip to the grocery brought great amounts of fear and anxiety.  I was unable to remember a meal to prepare much less the ingredients needed to prepare it ,other moms shop in stores, so a trip to the grocery brought a chance that I would run into another mom and expose my deep pain and my admission of a broken heart and that now I was different, so very different, I have lost a child.  At one point, the situation called me to shop at a grocery store 45 miles away. That was the best I could do.  Practically, my household needed food and I wanted desperately to fulfill this motherly/wifely duty as I always had. but, this would be my first trip not buying for Sam.  No longer did I need to consider her favorite after-school snacks, what she wanted in her lunchbox, I didn't need to buy the two cartons of strawberries that only she ate.  Needless to say, I cried so in that grocery, down every aisle, during the checkout because she would have inevitably asked for a pack of gum or such.  Then, I drove the 45 miles home wondering how long I was going to have to do this. Just this morning, 4 months later, I shopped at 7:00 am on a Saturday morning.  It wasn't early enough.  Before, I could load the groceries in my car, I cried in the parking lot when I spoke with a friend I haven't seen since Sam's service. I will continue to shop at odd times, going against the grain.  I don't feel as vulnerable. I don't think a single person in my community would intentionally harm my heart, I know this, nevertheless the slightest look, hand gesture, a lowering of their eyes, cheerful but strained "Hello" brings confirmation that Sam is physically gone from my life and she no longer needs my care. At times, I am strapped with fear and anxiety.   

To overcome these chains, daily I pray.  I admit to myself,  that they are there because of my own weaknesses.  I confirm to myself that I impose these feeling on myself and I'm surely always rescued.  My friends will send me declarations of  (2 Timothy 1:7)  "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." Or, a text message will be sent that states,  “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4). Another scripture that soothes my soul during times like these is, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

Sam' story was so public and the duration of the search lengthy that people I know and ones that I don't know became emotionally involved.  I am so sorry about the pain that I represent.  I am sorry that my life has imposed pain into theirs, that pain has invaded their homes, seeped into their lives and has had a affect on their children's lives. But, I know that I have no control over this.  I control nothing.  This whole situation is bigger than me,  there are so many people that need to heal, children that are experiencing death for the first time, that I pray  find comfort in God's word and his promise of healing and joy.     

So today, as I fight the negative voice in my the head, questioning whether this blog "is a good thing", questioning the end result, will it be negative, will I hurt someone, will someone "talk" about me, will everybody think I have gone crazy, I will find refuge with today's devotional in "Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young." This is His instructions for just this day. It states for the day of  November 19:

"Leave outcomes up to me. Follow me wherever I lead you, without worrying about how it will all turn out.  Think of your life as an adventure, with Me as your Guide and Companion.  Live in the now, concentrating on staying in step with Me.  When our path leads to a cliff, be willing to climb it with My help, when we come to a resting place, take time to refresh in My Presence.  Enjoy the rhythm of life lived close to Me.  

You already know the ultimate destination of your journey; your entrance into heaven.  So, keep your focus on the path just before you leaving outcomes up to Me."

"Jesus Calling", by Sarah Young has been profound reading for me.  In the future, I will share, how I believe God has clearly directed me through the printed words on the pages of this book. At times, it has been physical proof that God is present always and that He communicates with us through what we read, what we see, and what we hear.

My Call to be Bold

Elizabeth Vinturella

So.... this is the beginning.  There is no "one" good place to begin.  I'll start with why I chose the title, "My Call to be Bold."  I encountered God because of bold people.  Repeatedly, I have been sustained in God's love because of bold people. I have been "cloaked in peace" because of bold people.  People that were willing and ready to step up and to listen and hear God's calling, His request for their service, in my life.  Imagine that, in "my" life. Never would I have imagined that God would work so greatly in "my" life. Me, little old me, I'm just a mom .... God reveal Himself to me?   Oh my, in a mighty way He has worked and continues to be present in my life as I walk through the fire of the trauma and grief of my beautiful, precious12 year old daughter's death, as well as the search effort to recover her missing body in the fishing bayous of Shell Beach, Louisiana.

David and Samantha (2010

Weekly, I receive emails from a friend at my church, St. Timothy's United Methodist Church in Mandeville, Louisiana.  Her ministry is called, Ronnie's Life and she ends every email with a prayer. This prayer begins with, "In Scripture, we know that God call us to be bold. (Joshua 1:9)"  I read this prayer and I hear it, I really hear it.  It's God calling me, placing it upon my heart to be bold, myself.  I need to be bold for Him, I want to be bold for Him.  By nature I am not. I am shy and continually avert attention that could be placed on me.  I don't like to talk but I do like to listen.  I don't voice my opinions easily but I do have them.   Now, its my turn to be bold. To be bold for Christ, to speak out. To be bold enough to share my story, to be bold enough to think that anyone else would be interested in what I have to say and to be bold enough to trust that "my story" - the one that I have been given to steward would be a source of hope for anyone, for anyone walking through the fire trying to live after a crushing  loss, for  anyone that grieves over any loss, for someone that questions God's authenticity, His miraculous powers and His promise of eternal life.

I'm going to step out of my comfort zone and write and speak and share my story.  With the help of  a loving God, One that reassures me, " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)  I am going to be bold !