A Holiday with Hope

Movie night at the beach

We knew this year would be different, so we decided to do it different.  For our family,  the past several years, Easter was spent at the beach. Brooke has been the guest of a wonderful family for several years, vacationing with them, each Easter.  Stories of the fun and family atmosphere she enjoyed, led our family there as well.  After her first visit, Samantha was hooked.  She loved this bicycle riding, beachside community.  Sam would plead with David to return each Easter, always wanting to be accompanied by Hannah, her cousin or a school friend.  As usual, David entertained Samantha's requests! We loaded up our bikes, Sam packed her bike riding backpack and we went. I loved having a house full of kids; relaxed, suntanned, tired and content.  All enjoying some of God's greatest gifts, the sun, the sand and the surf.  I have fond memories of movie nights, game nights, Easter baskets and spring toys.  Easter morning church service trumped all of this.  I dearly loved walking to the white chapel on this special morning. Extended families and long-time friends vacationing together, worshiping together and receiving communion together.  My children and David knew, I adored this special time, at this special place!   Over the years Samantha grew in age and independence.  Remembering, I smile.  Her first year; no bike riding without an adult or her older sister was the mandate. The next year, checkpoints and walkie/talkies were instituted. Her last year there, she had graduated to bike riding freedom and a cell phone.  The parade ground, the ice cream stand, the snowball stand and the hamburger joint with fried pickles were her favorites!  She had so many fond

Samantha and Morgan 2011

memories herself, she even wrote a school poem about her visits there.  David could visualize Samantha at every corner of this community. We talked about this. Knowing if he chose to vacation at the same spot, David would continually be flooded with memories that included Sam.  David would be very alone in this experience ( I still don't/can't think about Sam nor, can I picture her in my head.)  After some thought and discussion we chose to vacation elsewhere.  Same beach but, a different spot.  I'm learning that at certain times, for now,  it is easier to be in a spot where, Sam shouldn't be.      

Why didn't I realize there would be 12 year old little girls in Rosemary Beach for Easter? There were plenty!!  Dave and I sat on the beach and we were surrounded.  Polka dot bikinis, pigtails and cellphones.  This tween age group was well represented.  So, we sat, we stayed and we watched, sometimes I bet we both tried to ignore our surroundings. We didn't even need to talk about it! We were together but, we were so alone!! Families together, enjoying each other. Dad's playing Kadema, mom's snapping pictures, siblings teasing and snacking.  At times, my mind wondered with dangerous thoughts, "Look what they have and I don't!", "I will never vacation with both of my daughters, again!" My agitation grew when I would see a parent becoming impatient with their child. That scene would illicit a treacherous thought such as, "If they only knew what it would be like to lose one, they better start being thankful and to cherish each moment." So there you have it!! I am human and far from perfect.  I am a sinner and constantly need forgiveness!!  These are truthful realizations but, dangerous, destructive and debilitating thoughts.  I noticed the acid they produced inside of my heart.   I had to snatch these thoughts and stuff them; not allowing them to take hold and take root inside of me.  I quickly changed the image inside of my head.  More peaceful, grateful emotions flowed through me when I concentrated on the beauty I was witnessing;  families and friends; relaxing and creating lasting memories together. Siblings sharing and playing together, drip sandcastles and buckets and shovels; the necessary discipline from a parent.  Aaahhh, and the infamous family beach picture; khaki and white clothing and a brilliant sunset as the backdrop.  Each of these pictures borrowing just a bit of God's creation. With my focus where it should be, as Philippians 4:8 instructs me, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." No longer was my soul  poised for a fight, ready for battle.  Instead, with precious new eyes, I rested and relaxed, as I witnessed love expressed in so many different ways.

Easter Morning 2012

As in the past, Easter morning trumped all!!  What a privilege and an outright blessing to walk hand-in-hand with David, to the Western Green, to celebrate the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior.  Unfamiliar with our surroundings, we followed the crowd (what a wonderful way to find a worship service); as we approached I heard the singing of one of my most loved hymns, "How Great Thou Art." (Carrie Underwood does it best!) We quickly joined in. David looked at me, he smiled! It was special. We were different than the day before. This new day, we were alone but, we were so together! We found a spot amongst the gathering; once again the families were there, the 12 year old tween girls, in their sundresses; young children barefoot with new bunnies. All of this contributing to, memories in the making.  We listened to the redeeming message of eternal hope and gracious, everlasting love.  Jesus was crucified, died and on the third day arose from the dead. Through his death, burial and resurrection, Jesus paid the penalty of sin, thus purchasing for all who believe in him, eternal life in Christ Jesus.  Eternal life, whoop, whoop, as my friend says!!!  I quickly texted another friend after receiving communion with this family of believers (I didn't know a single soul there, yet I think I know one thing they all believe in)  expressing how grateful I was for Easter Sunday and what we celebrate!  This is a holiday filled with Hope!!

"He is not here, for He is risen, just as He said..."

Matthew 28:6

Today I am OK

Praise God! Today -  I am Ok!  Today - I am OK!

Why? 

Why do I always need to know why?  I have a desire to know why and how I can be ok, even for a day? Geez, next lesson needs to focus on just "letting it be", basking in the momentary sense of serenity. At times, I am my own worst enemy!  But, I know sifting through the emotions, actions and reactions will allow me to find the answer. I think (usually, thinking manifests itself as mental madness!!!) the pattern of moving forward, or processing or whatever it is called looks something like this - because of God's abundant grace, there is a healing moment, that in turn quiets the soul, allowing mental clarity, therefore wrangling our emotions, and brining us to a new place, a new path of thinking. All of this takes, TIME.

Since returning from Sedona, I have notice a surreal shift of my thoughts. I mean a minuscule shift, about the thickness of a thread, that's allows me to entertain the idea that Samantha's life was a separate entity from mine.  This thought flashes, flickers and quickly flees from my mind, but there is no denying that it  happens, ooooooooccasionally! Returning to Sedona and seeing "SAM" carved in the rock, brings much healing to the part of my soul that is dedicated to Samantha's well-being.  I know by faith, that she is better than me but, now, with the picture printed and placed in "my space" I can see that she is happy and read that she is happy. When I see the picture with my eyes, it prompts me to visit a place of peace. Being her mom and looking backwards, happiness is really, what I always wanted for her then, now and forever.  As crazy as that sounds, all of that helps to hold onto that "happy" place.

So, there is the first step.  A healing that brings happiness!! That is the beginning of the chain of reactions.  So, with a piece of my soul still for a moment, I find myself pondering, my friend, Paul's comment concerning comets and stars. When Paul spoke, he referred to Samantha's life as a comet.  This conjures up the image of a bright, brilliant, ball of fire, blazing across the sky with a shorter life in comparison to a steadfast star, shining in the distance, for quite sometime. When I concentrate on this image, I can see that Samantha's life was separate from mine; she, quite similar to a comet, myself, not in any way. She blazed, I don't.  She left a lasting impression with others, I tip toe away hoping, not to be noticed. She was bright and fiery, moving fast, I am not.  I get it - we were different people, with different characteristics, individual lives therefore with unique purposes. ( I hate even being able to think like this!!!!!!!!!!!! For 12 years plus , considering the months her life came to being, in my body!!!!, our souls, bodies and lives were intertwined, connected, in so many ways, we were "one!!" )


But, in reality we were not one; we were separate. ( There is the flicker again - is this a tiny toe crawl towards letting go or acceptance?!?!?!)   ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I don't want to let go!!! )  Ironically, today I began to read, "For the Living of These Days.", with a copyright of 1946.   In chapter 11, Mr. Elliott refers to the question that Jesus posed to the man at the pool of Bethesda, " Wilt thou be made whole?" or translated, " Do you want to get well?"  He goes to state, " God confronts every one of us who says that he wants peace with these words: "My children, do you really want to get well?' I don't know - with all honesty, I really don't know if I want to get completely well; if that means letting go - all the way - deep deep complete release ????  total trust, the kind that doesn't allow doubt to exist??????  Of course I do but, I don't!!!!)  Mr. Elliott goes on to state, " The lesson here is plain: all healing, whether personal or social, individual or collective, waits upon genuine desire. The plain, realistic fact is that we have never wanted peace sufficiently to fulfill the conditions that will bring it. " (I interpret that as total trust, complete release of Sam into my Heavenly Father's loving arms, with no guilt!)  This is such hard work!!!   Do I really want to get well? Another question for another day; today I'm figuring out why I'm Ok! See how easily I get twisted!

But, back to today. I am OK!  Each OK day is a baby step! One for which I am truly thankful for but, as I see now, resisting to fully, truthfully, sincerely, deeply, live the "OK" day.  Maybe, because I don't want to be that OK?????!!!!! (I'm learning about myself - this might be a part of me that needs attention!) 

Lately, there has been a reprieve from dreadful dates, we have taken a major step towards "closure" with minimal drama and there is more light to each day; each aspect lightening the load.  The futures lingers on the outside ledge of my thoughts; Easter, Sam's birthday, the summer, July 16th, "one year". The pending events are there, but with desperation, I am trying not to give them my attention, today. In Chapter 14, "Living a Day at a Time," Mr. Elliott reminds me, "I know God promises strength and wisdom and endurance only for today. He also promises grace for each contest as it comes: never for the entire season's schedule. " As thy days, so shall thy strength be." Amen!

I know what is going on here and I think it was best described by Caleb Chapman in Choosing to See:
   
     The only word I've been able to come up with is confusion ... we feel so many different things.
     We have joy and we have sadness, we feel loved and we feel lonely ... but I have never been this
     confident in Jesus Christ.  And I've never been this confident in heaven.

     The only analogy I can come up with is this: it's like God is an abstract artist ... when you are real
     close to a painting like this, it's hard to focus, it's blurred, and you can't see what's going on.  You
     have to walk really far back, and then the whole painting comes into focus and you can see what the
     artist is doing.

Maybe, today, I was able to take a baby step backwards, clearing up a crumb of confusion, realizing Sam's life, her purpose, was separate from mine.  Yet, the purpose and meaning of her life, as well as, how it relates to mine, is not clear to me, yet.  What am I to do with all of this? Am I to do something, with all of this? If so, what is it? That kind of clarity will take many, more baby steps backwards, sharpening my focus !!!  

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:9