David Jeremiah wrote, "journalizing, memorializes the blessings of God" in his book, "When Your World Falls Apart, Seeing Past the Pain of the Present." My dear family and myself have recently experienced a terrible tragedy, resulting in the death of my precious daughter, Samantha. This is an unwanted journey, one of the most difficult walks that any parent can experience. It is riddled with extreme grief, profound disorientation, and beautiful graces from God. He holds me close. He has not forsaken me. Even though, my heart is shredded with sadness, I shed buckets of tears, I question my purpose now and I wander astray at times, I know I love God. He is real and present. I know what I know!!! And, I feel privileged to have the opportunity to share with you. I have learned that I am at my best when I walk with God, not against Him.


Saturday, March 17, 2012

A Sweet Small Voice

I knew I wanted to go back but, I didn't know if it was the "right" thing to do. Even after purchasing my return ticket, I struggled with why I was returning. I asked myself, Do I need proof?, Was it really there?, Did that really happen?  Why do I need to see it again, I saw it already? Will I be able to find it? I knew I saw "SAM", but doubted that "SAM" was there. Am I making this story into something bigger than it really is?  Repeatedly, day after day I was consumed with doubt and questions.  I am on the verge of insanity. I haven't heard from my new friends, traveling to New Orleans.  With the unwavering support of David, I purchase my return ticket, still questioning whether it is "right! "and did I "really" see it.  I consult with several of my close companions, people walking this spiritual journey with me. I get conflicting comments, one asks, "Why do you need to go back?, but do what you have to do!"(fearing I might possibly get hurt by not being able to see SAM again) Another warrior looks at me and says, "I hope you bought your ticket to go back!"You have to go back, it is a part of your faith journey." Yet another stammers," You don't have to prove anything!"

Two to one, returning in the losing corner, yet, "I" still must go. 

Knowing that I am returning, I record my first trip to Sedona writing in this online journal.  Wanting to remember all the details and record each emotion experienced.  The process took and entire day, I was exhausted.    Early the following morning, while checking David's email, I notice a devotional received via email from St. Timothy's.  We having been receiving this daily devotional for quite sometime, not always opening to read, but on this day I say to myself, " I can't pass up an opportunity to read God's word." Double-clicking to open, I was stunned at what I read, my insides shifted a bit.




Nonetheless, from the Book of Job.

When I read the these words, I knew "SAM" was there, not washed away by rain or wind.  Now, I just had to find it.  When David awoke I sat him down, showed him the devotional, he had the same reaction I did, kind of a quiver.  When you get to the "carved in the rock forever", it hits a high note. Back to my close companions, my spiritual support, I got similar reactions, jaw-drops, goose-bumps and eye-ball popping.  I printed the devotional, folded it and kept it with me. Expanding my consulting circle, the confirmation continued.  Reactions remained the same. My last stop, my pastor.  I ask him if it is wrong to return to Sedona, he assured me that returning was not a mistake. In fact, there is a special spot,  that he returns to often. Green light, I feel good about returning now. It has been approved. Then I show him the paper; he lowered his head and gently nods.   

As my departure date approaches, I notice myself retreating.  I don't have a desire to discuss whether I can, or if I will, find "SAM" again. I am learning, that my preference doesn't matter; the discussion won't change the outcome (but, I have that piece of paper tucked in my purse - I ask myself, is that really what that means?") I know it is but, I continue to doubt.  I think back on something my friend shared with me a while back, obviously in reference to yet another God-wink:


"I do believe....help my unbelief!"

As my plane lifts to the sky, I begin to pray, "God, if it is not your will that I climb that rock, stop me!"  I silently chuckle, thinking about how my travel companion will react if I have to inform her, I am not doing the hike after we traveled such a distance to get there. But, I was fully prepared to do so. I wondered if she would understand.  My prayer continued that I would have peace, with whatever the outcome (but, I had that piece of paper tucked into my purse.) It is a discipline to leave yourself wide-open, embarking on a trip with no preconceived outcomes.  It is definitely not something I've done often.  Maybe, I'm beginning to learn the art of living in just "this" moment. Rather than always thinking ahead, making a plan, filling in the blank spots. 

We land in Phoenix, drive to Sedona and park at Cathedral Trail.  Kim and I speak to a group of hikers at the bottom of the trail.  We exchange stories, I explain to them the reason for such a late afternoon hike and the importance of completing it before dusk.  They understand my urgency, one lady in particular steps forward, with tears in her eyes and hugs me.  She confesses that her husband has just recently gone to heaven, and this day was his birthday.  I note to myself, there are handfuls of hikers on Cathedral Trail that have lost loved ones?  We start our ascent.  This time the mission is more manageable.  Nearing the top, I slow the pace down, yearning to just look (while hiking all I can do is look at my feet!) and needing to get my bearings.  I glance over my right shoulder, noticing an alcove. Stepping in that direction, I raise my hand to indicate the similarity of what I see, to what I remembered.  We move closer, Kim ahead of me, we tip our heads up and see SAM!!! We rejoice, hug, cry and "take pictures!" A fellow hiker notices our jubilation, with interest he comments, "You must be having a Sedona moment?" I beckon him and tell him, "Yes, come here, I will tell you!" I tell him everything, he tears up. Together we continue to the top, all the while talking.  We learn his name, it is Paul.  He asks me mine, I say "Elizabeth." He (Paul) tell us, that his sister was named Elizabeth; she passed away 9 years ago from a grand mal seizure and that she loved children.(Yet, another that has lost a loved one.) He shares the same birthday as David. Paul shared with us a beautiful metaphor, stating that some lives are meant to be like stars, shining bright and lasting years, other lives are meant to be comets, shorter life but blazing across the sky. Samantha's life was short and she blazed!!!! Paul hikes/runs this particular trail 2x daily, 4x a week.  When he reaches the summit he, "Thanks the Lord for the strength of my father in the rocks, the gentle caress of my mother in the breeze and the warmth of my sister in the sun."   Paul was balding and had blue eyes. With the help of Paul, I was courageous enough to go between the gaps and go to the ledge. Crazy coincidences!  Really? I'm resting in sweet assuredness. It was "right" to return to Sedona. 

Having the "picture" in my possession, I was so peaceful.  
                  




As I look backwards, I see once again, it was not my handy work that I visited Sedona, only that of God's.  Initially, David booked flights into Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport with the notion I would visit Scottsdale, after the flights were booked, I discovered Sedona and was led there and because of an unrelenting gentle voice,  led to return again.  The old Elizabeth, the practical one, the all earthly one would never have returned, for reasons like expense, practicality (travel twice in three weeks - with nothing guaranteed) and my to-do list.  Not anymore, I'm learning the beauty of an uncluttered life, (partly my doing, partly because like it or not the demands on my life have lessened), a simplier life, one which allows time for me to be still and listen to what is inside of me, find and follow that sweet, small voice.  I know what that small voice is and I know the Bible talks about that voice, so I searched and found:

Today I will hear His voice ..... and harden not my heart. 
Psalms 95:7,8  

 Because I listen to and obey God's voice, He will be my God and I will be one of His people.
Jeremiah 7:23

I hear my Father's voice and the voice of a stranger I will not follow.
John 10:5

I am one of God's sheep and His sheep hear His voice.
John 10:27

Listening and following that voice led me high atop those red rocks, two times.  The reward, a special place, holy ground.  A place, I can be near to God and to Sam; a place where nothing physical stands between us.  A place of solitude and strength, peace and possibility, warmth and wonder, rest and reassurance. A place where His words for me and mine, are engraved in the rock forever!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Did you take a picture?

I was not going on a spiritual journey, I was not going on a pilgrimage.  All I wanted to do was leave town during the Mardi Gras holidays.  Normally, I can hang, not this year!  David would be out of town and the thought of living through Mardi Gras with a 16 year old, without David's support made me want to run.  So, I did!  Brooke is an awesome, wonderful girl, gratefully though, she is human and a teenager!  My answer was to entice Brooke with a trip to Sedona, AZ; hiking, horseback riding, biking and the real clincher, how I really hooked her, was a trip to the spa. New experiences, new memories.  She said yes, I booked the flight, made the hotel reservations and loosely planned some activities.  There was anxiety on my part, I haven't traveled solo in a long time.  In my former years, working as a retail buyer, I was an experienced traveler.  Motherhood came and I tended to stay put, only traveling as a family, with the security of David, taking the reigns.  I pondered all the responsibilities I would have, taking shuttles, navigating an airport, renting a car, checking in for flight, driving north 2 hours on unfamiliar roads, etc., checking in hotel and alongside that being a "happy" mom and a "sad" mom.  The desire to escape outweighed the anxiety.  I knew I was independent in more youthful years, I needed to test myself, reclaim this part of myself;  I was going.

On the eve of my departure, I get one of "those" phone calls.  My dad has had a seizure, he is being taken to the hospital.  Anxiety on the rise.  David is gone, I'm packing and guiding Brooke on preparing for our trip (each of us choosing to carry one of Samantha's school backpacks with us, each one monogrammed with her name; she is with us), weather conditions are becoming an issue, and my dad has another seizure, this time, his heart stopping for 17 seconds.  Watching this physical spasm was a jolting experience for Erich and Paul, my brothers.  Reassuringly, my family encourages me to continue with my plans.  Everything is under control. So I do, knowing that if a life-threatening situation evolves, I will return.  However, he spent a few days in ICU, a pacemaker was installed and a boot in place for his broken ankle.  He is resting, recuperating and comfortable at home.          

Researching Sedona, I discovered that it has a world-wide reputation as a spiritual mecca. Mother Nature's red-rock temples are destined to provide life-transforming, soul-nourishing work in person. It is stated that," Sedona is a perfect place for spiritual and personal enrichment of the body and the soul. A strong Native American influence, endless, majestic skies and breathtaking views define this global power spot. In addition, there are vortexes. What are these Sedona vortexes? Vortex sites are enhanced energy locations that facilitate prayer, meditation, mind/body healing, and exploring your relationship with your soul and the Divine. This is where I needed to be, I joked that I was going to stand in the middle of one of these "things", hands lifted high and just let those positive energies swirl and engulf me. In earnest, I had no idea what to look for and if, I would ever find one. David and Brooke thought I was nuts.


Submarine Rock 

Due to weather challenges, we miss our connecting flight to Phoenix and got put on standby with 33 fellow passengers. I'm feeling bumped around a bit, nicked up a bit, put to the challenge but, I'm handling it.  I talk to God constantly, I tell myself, one thing at a time, don't look ahead, just take care of this moment.  We board our flight, land in Sedona, rent our car, make the 2 hour drive through unexpected curvy, hilly, rocky, winding landscape. Our afternoon is spent exploring Sedona, a great dinner and early to bed.  Our first full day is spent on a thrilling, bumpy, jolting Pink Jeep tour on the Broken Arrow trail.  While touring, we enjoyed the splendor of Sedona's landscape and an introduction to the famous Red Rock formations. 



Brooke and Casanova
Horseback riding was on the agenda for the afternoon, Brooke and I met up with Sue and Bill, our wranglers.  Bill, led us on a rocky trail ride with our animal companions, Casanova and Stitch.  This proved to be one of the highlights for Brooke. She enjoyed the ride and the opportunity to gallop with Casanova.  Chatting with Bill, we learned he believes in the Big Book and his brother is a Baptist preacher.  It was just the 3 of us, Bill, Brooke and myself, or 5 if you count Casanova and Stitch on the rocky trails passing the national monument of the cliff dwelling, Montezuma's Castle. The sky is so vast and open in Sedona, as well, the air quiet and tranquil.  It is a perfect stage for meditation, or sweet conversation.  There just aren't many distractions to contend with.  So, we trotted in harmony for our ride and were appreciative for the experience at the end of the trail.


Brooke hiking up Cathedral Trail
Liz at a good moment
The following day we were to "hike." We were ready, having visited a local store, The Hike House and participated in their free, interactive service.  You provide them with your experience level, duration preference and what you would like to see and they suggest trails for you.  We met Mary, my words to her were, "We have never done this before. Brooke is athletic, I'm not a pansy but...." We proceed to explore trails, we bought water, snacks and headed to the suggested spot, Cathedral Trail.  I liked the sound of that.  We park our car and greet the people who park next to us, two couples.  Brooke is full of zeal, heading for the trail, I follow.  In the beginning it is serene, Brooke comments to me, " Wow, that is the same sun that shines at our house!" It wasn't just a passing comment, I knew she was getting "it." It is so amazing when you really think about it - the same sun in Mandeville that dominates and owns the sky in Sedona.  We continue and encounter the start of a very steep section.  I struggle and Brooke films me.  She is having a ball, laughing at my inability.  The couples from the parking lot must be watching, and come to my rescue. Our groups merge and one man, in particular, helps me.  He suggests I put away my camera and he states; "We are going to the top, Elizabeth, you are going to climb to the top of this mountain, and I am going to help you. After you make it up there, you will be amazed. This climb is so worth it!" He does help me, he holds my hand, he lets me hold his arm, he encourages me, he continues to call my name and instructs me that we are going to the top. He is humble, confident and persistent.  I wanted to say no, but I couldn't. I knew I had to do it! Even with his steadfast support, the climb is challenging for me (it's not a hike, this was like mountain climbing to this city slicker, southern girl.) Fear winning me over, the scales get tipped and I cry.  I don't know why but, I did what I didn't want to do!!! I say out loud, "I'm sorry, I just need a minute, I lost my daughter not too long ago, this is just hard for me!"  One of the woman draws near to me, comforts me and explains that they are here on their own spiritual journey.  I squint my eyes and shake my head -  I say to myself - "NO, I didn't come here for that, I don't want to hear that!" - I want this to be about Brooke, about fun, and life.  She continues speaking, telling me her brother died last year, the gentleman that was sooo kind to me, was her brother's best friend, they were there together, spreading the brother's ashes over Sedona. We both cry, gather ourselves and continue upwards.  I am physically tired, breathless and emotional.  The altitude and lack of activity over the last few months is becoming an issue. Hallelujah, we make it to the top!!! It is breathtaking, majestic, open and vast. It was worth the climb! I sit to rest, the others, including Brooke explore between the gaps of Cathedral Rock. I can't even watch them.  We are high up, there are no barricades and no railings. My helper, ventures to the ultimate ledge, he invites me, I decline. He assures me, "the ledge is larger than it appears." NO WAY, I am not going!" I watch him as he sits still, in quiet meditation or prayer.  The brother's sister and her husband return and sit with me, we share more details of each others' story, we cry again and agree that there are no coincidences. The best friend's wife, nonchalantly mentions, that we are in a masculine vortex.  Oh wow, I'm in one, at one and didn't even know it! The next whammy, they tell me they are visiting New Orleans, in March.  I couldn't believe it!! Just too much!!   Spiritual journey, death, ashes, tears, fear, coincidences, faith, exhilaration, accomplishment, New Orleans, I'm about to short circuit!

My friend sits at the very peak of the ledge in silence.

I'm instructed, by my unexpected, personal guide to stand and walk around, so as to make the descent easier.  I do as instructed and we head down.  It is not easy, I go down on my rear-end, their instruction to me when I ask How?, is, " Anyway you can!" They build a human wall for me in a few spots to brace my slide, if necessary (it never was, thank goodness). At one point heading down, we stop, I can't remember why, more than likely because I needed a break.  At this moment, Brooke shrieks, "Mom, Mom, look what is written on that wall!, she demands, "Look at It!!!!"  So, I look, what do you think i saw? Written there on the rocky wall, "SAM" with a happy face drawn next to it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I lowered myself to the ground, I covered my eyes, and I wept, Brooke cried, we all cried, everyone there knew it was special and a gift, given to Brooke; me and the others were privilege guests at her party!!!  

After we all recovered enough, to reach the bottom, we hugged and I gave them my email address and phone numbers along with pleaded hope, that they would call me upon their arrival in New Orleans.  I know no one's name, nor where they live!!  I took no picture!! While eating lunch that afternoon, Brooke says to me, " Mom, I think that man was Jesus. He kept calling your name and telling you, you were going to the top of that mountain and that he would help. He told you when you got to the top it would be worth it!"  I was blown away - I wasn't thinking like that - geez, I was still trying to catch my breath, steady myself from the writing on the wall.  Enough is enough!!!  I don't know what exactly happened, Jesus, I don't know, maybe an angel, maybe just a great guy with great friends.  It is so much to process! Whatever it all was, it was special to Brooke, I could tell by the tone of her voice and her reactions.

What I do know, is that I am returning to Sedona, next weekend.  Accompanied by a dear friend, I will scour that mountainside and try to find that spot, take a picture and bring that healing home to share with others.  I believe God spoke to Brooke and me through the writing on that rock - SAM with a smiley face (it was not a typical smiley face with a circle around it - it was drawn with two slashes for eyes and a simple grin). I believe He wants me to know that Sam is happy!!  I believe He keeps his promises to never forsake us. I believe He walks with us, holding our right hand. Alas, if it is not there, having been washed away by wind or rain (it could possible have been written with rock on rock or permanently carved, I didn't think to inspect ) I will just do as suggested to me, by my friends at The Hike House.  I have corresponded with them several times, telling them my story and asking that, any person hiking that trail, to please look for my message. They assured me they would help in anyway, but don't want me discouraged if it is not there.  Debra writes to me:


Good morning Elizabeth!
So sorry I have been errant in returning your email. The store has been super busy! I shared with Mary your story. I have not heard back from anyone that they have seen the name "Sam" on the rocks of Cathedral however. It may have been your special sign from God meant for you. Some things aren't always meant to be concrete but more soul touching which clearly your journey to Cathedral rock was for you and your daughter. I wish you peace and we'll keep looking :-)
God bless
Deb

Cathedral Trail was a difficult climb for me, no one else struggled, just me. Confidently, I know why it was chosen for me to hike.  Hopefully, my new friends won't visit while I'm back in Sedona!! As well, we enjoyed the spa, the morning of our departure.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13