Grace Given

The month of May didn't allow much time to relax, reflect and write.  I knew these days were coming and it was pure survival! There were several of those dreadful dates, the passing of each isn't just a day.  I have learned to expect prior anxious days, the day, and a few days for recovery. Samantha's birthday causing the highest level of disorientation, followed by a graceful endurance of Mother's Day, and yet a peaceful passing of remembrance for the life of my mother.  In addition, we have had to withstand the shifting and switching of legal obligations, of which I have no control; yet it involves my family and my children.  The closing of a school year and the beginning of a "new" kind of summer; changes are still constant.  As well, life and living has somehow seeped into my story.  So, finally, a day to be still.  I am very grateful to stop.

Samantha's 1st Birthday

I find it difficult to record all the nasty, narly details of each passing problem.  They happened! I was so mad Brooke had to experience another early, a.m.,  knuckle - knock on the front door, to serve yet another subpoena, causing fear and anxiety within her, more tears, more trauma!!!  Back on my bike, I  screamed and yelled at my God for having to live through the day of Sam's birth and not have her here to hold and hug!! I was a mess!! (I am learning why I ride my bike so often and more so, at times of great stress.  No one can see me while I'm am out there alone; sometimes it is not pretty.  I don't want anyone to see me like that, it won't do anyone, any good.  It happens, but I feel like I need to hide it!!  It's ok! ) After that particular bike ride, I was so sorry for my anger.  I confessed my actions and thoughts to a friend and she knowingly shared her perspective, teaching me that "it is cleansing and healthy "to go there" and brings new healing and a new depth of wisdom." I am so grateful to the guiding hands given to me! It made me sad to know Brooke sat, while David cried as they watched the movie, "Mama Mia", together. One of Samantha's favorite movies. That is what David did to remember Sam on her birthday, doing something they would have done together.  I will never forget the profound confusion of that day.  I think I thought, I could just tip-toe through it! Not too much emotion, not too much thought! She wasn't here, we didn't have to celebrate.  NOT!!!!!  As for Mother's Day, to prevent from having to go all in, I told myself it was just another Hallmark holiday!!! Allowing myself some wiggle room; enjoying the activities but not surrendering the part of myself that could be hurt, to the day. Emotionally, I kept at a safe distance, still in recovery mode from the birthday beating.  Remembering  the life of my mother this year was different.  I know she greeted Samantha in Heaven.  Part of me is grateful she was there to show Sam around, if that's how it happens.  As for the start of summer, I knew it would bring yet another adjustment period.  A summer with no Sam.  It is surreal and sad, still! There is no denying the swiss cheese sensation that I feel.   The month of May brought many holes to my heart.

Laced between all of the daunting days has been a little bit of life.  Somehow, it happened and I didn't know it.  I certainly didn't plan it. The season of Spring has beckoned me to life, and I have tried to respond. Gardening, walking, riding, by nature, I love to be outside.  Graduations, gatherings and girlfriends have given me a reason to get up and get going. Projects, people and purpose have rendered reason to respond. Even problems of a normal life have distracted me and required my performance.  All these things reducing my writing.  That's ok, too.  The Bible tell us there is a season for everything.

At one time, I thought of writing a blog titled, "Learning a New Language."  Quickly, without any initiation of my own, I was hurled into many new worlds;  grief, maritime law, psychological counseling, search and rescue, trauma, medical, religious, spiritual, insurance and attorneys. I walked in a language minefield for quite a time; not fully understanding the vocabulary associated with each field. However, sometimes having to make lasting decisions concerning them all. I like words and want to understand.  One of the words on that list was Grace, I needed to grasp the true meaning. I have heard, spoken, read and said this word. It was printed on just about every sympathy card I received. However, I knew I didn't truly get what it meant for me and my life, with respect to sympathy and Samantha.  I mean really get it!! ( I took a poll, I am not the only one ignorant of a true understanding) I was fortified when I cleaned a bookshelf and laid my hands on one of my old books, If Life is a Game, These are the Rules by Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph. D. She starts off describing grace as, "One of those intangible qualities that is difficult to describe but easy to recognize." There you go, it is difficult to describe; making it hard to understand. I'm feeling better.  Jesus Lives by Sarah Young confirmed for me that grace is God's provision in my life.  Towards the end of May, James preached a sermon on grace; further reinforcing my growing knowledge. He explained there were different types of grace. As well, he recited the lyrics of "Amazing Grace",

T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...

and Grace will lead us home.

I sat there and thought about that; trying to recall how that looked in my life. Well, I couldn't ignore the overwhelming joy I felt at that moment, as I peered down the pew at Brooke and four of her friends.  Yes, 4 teenage guests on one day. For no single "reason" at all, there they sat with us.  I was thrilled - my heart was happy! I was happy for them - I was happy for myself.  I was so grateful and thankful for the presence of those kids; and not feeling suffocated with the absence of Samantha.  Sweet, sweet grace!  God's provision in my life! That's how it looks! As this day came to a close, I wandered outside to water; the evening was still and I could hear within myself.  I marveled at James' message and my mother's moment.  My soul stirred, I clearly realized at that moment, that I would be given everything I need to get through this unthinkable tragedy. It won't be easy, it won't always be pretty or "right", nor will I know what to expect. But, what I do know is, His Grace has brought me safe thus far and His Grace will lead me home.

.

     

A Holiday with Hope

Movie night at the beach

We knew this year would be different, so we decided to do it different.  For our family,  the past several years, Easter was spent at the beach. Brooke has been the guest of a wonderful family for several years, vacationing with them, each Easter.  Stories of the fun and family atmosphere she enjoyed, led our family there as well.  After her first visit, Samantha was hooked.  She loved this bicycle riding, beachside community.  Sam would plead with David to return each Easter, always wanting to be accompanied by Hannah, her cousin or a school friend.  As usual, David entertained Samantha's requests! We loaded up our bikes, Sam packed her bike riding backpack and we went. I loved having a house full of kids; relaxed, suntanned, tired and content.  All enjoying some of God's greatest gifts, the sun, the sand and the surf.  I have fond memories of movie nights, game nights, Easter baskets and spring toys.  Easter morning church service trumped all of this.  I dearly loved walking to the white chapel on this special morning. Extended families and long-time friends vacationing together, worshiping together and receiving communion together.  My children and David knew, I adored this special time, at this special place!   Over the years Samantha grew in age and independence.  Remembering, I smile.  Her first year; no bike riding without an adult or her older sister was the mandate. The next year, checkpoints and walkie/talkies were instituted. Her last year there, she had graduated to bike riding freedom and a cell phone.  The parade ground, the ice cream stand, the snowball stand and the hamburger joint with fried pickles were her favorites!  She had so many fond

Samantha and Morgan 2011

memories herself, she even wrote a school poem about her visits there.  David could visualize Samantha at every corner of this community. We talked about this. Knowing if he chose to vacation at the same spot, David would continually be flooded with memories that included Sam.  David would be very alone in this experience ( I still don't/can't think about Sam nor, can I picture her in my head.)  After some thought and discussion we chose to vacation elsewhere.  Same beach but, a different spot.  I'm learning that at certain times, for now,  it is easier to be in a spot where, Sam shouldn't be.      

Why didn't I realize there would be 12 year old little girls in Rosemary Beach for Easter? There were plenty!!  Dave and I sat on the beach and we were surrounded.  Polka dot bikinis, pigtails and cellphones.  This tween age group was well represented.  So, we sat, we stayed and we watched, sometimes I bet we both tried to ignore our surroundings. We didn't even need to talk about it! We were together but, we were so alone!! Families together, enjoying each other. Dad's playing Kadema, mom's snapping pictures, siblings teasing and snacking.  At times, my mind wondered with dangerous thoughts, "Look what they have and I don't!", "I will never vacation with both of my daughters, again!" My agitation grew when I would see a parent becoming impatient with their child. That scene would illicit a treacherous thought such as, "If they only knew what it would be like to lose one, they better start being thankful and to cherish each moment." So there you have it!! I am human and far from perfect.  I am a sinner and constantly need forgiveness!!  These are truthful realizations but, dangerous, destructive and debilitating thoughts.  I noticed the acid they produced inside of my heart.   I had to snatch these thoughts and stuff them; not allowing them to take hold and take root inside of me.  I quickly changed the image inside of my head.  More peaceful, grateful emotions flowed through me when I concentrated on the beauty I was witnessing;  families and friends; relaxing and creating lasting memories together. Siblings sharing and playing together, drip sandcastles and buckets and shovels; the necessary discipline from a parent.  Aaahhh, and the infamous family beach picture; khaki and white clothing and a brilliant sunset as the backdrop.  Each of these pictures borrowing just a bit of God's creation. With my focus where it should be, as Philippians 4:8 instructs me, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." No longer was my soul  poised for a fight, ready for battle.  Instead, with precious new eyes, I rested and relaxed, as I witnessed love expressed in so many different ways.

Easter Morning 2012

As in the past, Easter morning trumped all!!  What a privilege and an outright blessing to walk hand-in-hand with David, to the Western Green, to celebrate the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior.  Unfamiliar with our surroundings, we followed the crowd (what a wonderful way to find a worship service); as we approached I heard the singing of one of my most loved hymns, "How Great Thou Art." (Carrie Underwood does it best!) We quickly joined in. David looked at me, he smiled! It was special. We were different than the day before. This new day, we were alone but, we were so together! We found a spot amongst the gathering; once again the families were there, the 12 year old tween girls, in their sundresses; young children barefoot with new bunnies. All of this contributing to, memories in the making.  We listened to the redeeming message of eternal hope and gracious, everlasting love.  Jesus was crucified, died and on the third day arose from the dead. Through his death, burial and resurrection, Jesus paid the penalty of sin, thus purchasing for all who believe in him, eternal life in Christ Jesus.  Eternal life, whoop, whoop, as my friend says!!!  I quickly texted another friend after receiving communion with this family of believers (I didn't know a single soul there, yet I think I know one thing they all believe in)  expressing how grateful I was for Easter Sunday and what we celebrate!  This is a holiday filled with Hope!!

"He is not here, for He is risen, just as He said..."

Matthew 28:6

Today I am OK

Praise God! Today -  I am Ok!  Today - I am OK!

Why? 

Why do I always need to know why?  I have a desire to know why and how I can be ok, even for a day? Geez, next lesson needs to focus on just "letting it be", basking in the momentary sense of serenity. At times, I am my own worst enemy!  But, I know sifting through the emotions, actions and reactions will allow me to find the answer. I think (usually, thinking manifests itself as mental madness!!!) the pattern of moving forward, or processing or whatever it is called looks something like this - because of God's abundant grace, there is a healing moment, that in turn quiets the soul, allowing mental clarity, therefore wrangling our emotions, and brining us to a new place, a new path of thinking. All of this takes, TIME.

Since returning from Sedona, I have notice a surreal shift of my thoughts. I mean a minuscule shift, about the thickness of a thread, that's allows me to entertain the idea that Samantha's life was a separate entity from mine.  This thought flashes, flickers and quickly flees from my mind, but there is no denying that it  happens, ooooooooccasionally! Returning to Sedona and seeing "SAM" carved in the rock, brings much healing to the part of my soul that is dedicated to Samantha's well-being.  I know by faith, that she is better than me but, now, with the picture printed and placed in "my space" I can see that she is happy and read that she is happy. When I see the picture with my eyes, it prompts me to visit a place of peace. Being her mom and looking backwards, happiness is really, what I always wanted for her then, now and forever.  As crazy as that sounds, all of that helps to hold onto that "happy" place.

So, there is the first step.  A healing that brings happiness!! That is the beginning of the chain of reactions.  So, with a piece of my soul still for a moment, I find myself pondering, my friend, Paul's comment concerning comets and stars. When Paul spoke, he referred to Samantha's life as a comet.  This conjures up the image of a bright, brilliant, ball of fire, blazing across the sky with a shorter life in comparison to a steadfast star, shining in the distance, for quite sometime. When I concentrate on this image, I can see that Samantha's life was separate from mine; she, quite similar to a comet, myself, not in any way. She blazed, I don't.  She left a lasting impression with others, I tip toe away hoping, not to be noticed. She was bright and fiery, moving fast, I am not.  I get it - we were different people, with different characteristics, individual lives therefore with unique purposes. ( I hate even being able to think like this!!!!!!!!!!!! For 12 years plus , considering the months her life came to being, in my body!!!!, our souls, bodies and lives were intertwined, connected, in so many ways, we were "one!!" )


But, in reality we were not one; we were separate. ( There is the flicker again - is this a tiny toe crawl towards letting go or acceptance?!?!?!)   ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I don't want to let go!!! )  Ironically, today I began to read, "For the Living of These Days.", with a copyright of 1946.   In chapter 11, Mr. Elliott refers to the question that Jesus posed to the man at the pool of Bethesda, " Wilt thou be made whole?" or translated, " Do you want to get well?"  He goes to state, " God confronts every one of us who says that he wants peace with these words: "My children, do you really want to get well?' I don't know - with all honesty, I really don't know if I want to get completely well; if that means letting go - all the way - deep deep complete release ????  total trust, the kind that doesn't allow doubt to exist??????  Of course I do but, I don't!!!!)  Mr. Elliott goes on to state, " The lesson here is plain: all healing, whether personal or social, individual or collective, waits upon genuine desire. The plain, realistic fact is that we have never wanted peace sufficiently to fulfill the conditions that will bring it. " (I interpret that as total trust, complete release of Sam into my Heavenly Father's loving arms, with no guilt!)  This is such hard work!!!   Do I really want to get well? Another question for another day; today I'm figuring out why I'm Ok! See how easily I get twisted!

But, back to today. I am OK!  Each OK day is a baby step! One for which I am truly thankful for but, as I see now, resisting to fully, truthfully, sincerely, deeply, live the "OK" day.  Maybe, because I don't want to be that OK?????!!!!! (I'm learning about myself - this might be a part of me that needs attention!) 

Lately, there has been a reprieve from dreadful dates, we have taken a major step towards "closure" with minimal drama and there is more light to each day; each aspect lightening the load.  The futures lingers on the outside ledge of my thoughts; Easter, Sam's birthday, the summer, July 16th, "one year". The pending events are there, but with desperation, I am trying not to give them my attention, today. In Chapter 14, "Living a Day at a Time," Mr. Elliott reminds me, "I know God promises strength and wisdom and endurance only for today. He also promises grace for each contest as it comes: never for the entire season's schedule. " As thy days, so shall thy strength be." Amen!

I know what is going on here and I think it was best described by Caleb Chapman in Choosing to See:
   
     The only word I've been able to come up with is confusion ... we feel so many different things.
     We have joy and we have sadness, we feel loved and we feel lonely ... but I have never been this
     confident in Jesus Christ.  And I've never been this confident in heaven.

     The only analogy I can come up with is this: it's like God is an abstract artist ... when you are real
     close to a painting like this, it's hard to focus, it's blurred, and you can't see what's going on.  You
     have to walk really far back, and then the whole painting comes into focus and you can see what the
     artist is doing.

Maybe, today, I was able to take a baby step backwards, clearing up a crumb of confusion, realizing Sam's life, her purpose, was separate from mine.  Yet, the purpose and meaning of her life, as well as, how it relates to mine, is not clear to me, yet.  What am I to do with all of this? Am I to do something, with all of this? If so, what is it? That kind of clarity will take many, more baby steps backwards, sharpening my focus !!!  

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:9

 

 







     

   

A Sweet Small Voice

I knew I wanted to go back but, I didn't know if it was the "right" thing to do. Even after purchasing my return ticket, I struggled with why I was returning. I asked myself, Do I need proof?, Was it really there?, Did that really happen?  Why do I need to see it again, I saw it already? Will I be able to find it? I knew I saw "SAM", but doubted that "SAM" was there. Am I making this story into something bigger than it really is?  Repeatedly, day after day I was consumed with doubt and questions.  I am on the verge of insanity. I haven't heard from my new friends, traveling to New Orleans.  With the unwavering support of David, I purchase my return ticket, still questioning whether it is "right! "and did I "really" see it.  I consult with several of my close companions, people walking this spiritual journey with me. I get conflicting comments, one asks, "Why do you need to go back?, but do what you have to do!"(fearing I might possibly get hurt by not being able to see SAM again) Another warrior looks at me and says, "I hope you bought your ticket to go back!"You have to go back, it is a part of your faith journey." Yet another stammers," You don't have to prove anything!"

Two to one, returning in the losing corner, yet, "I" still must go. 

Knowing that I am returning, I record my first trip to Sedona writing in this online journal.  Wanting to remember all the details and record each emotion experienced.  The process took and entire day, I was exhausted.    Early the following morning, while checking David's email, I notice a devotional received via email from St. Timothy's.  We having been receiving this daily devotional for quite sometime, not always opening to read, but on this day I say to myself, " I can't pass up an opportunity to read God's word." Double-clicking to open, I was stunned at what I read, my insides shifted a bit.

Nonetheless, from the Book of Job.

When I read the these words, I knew "SAM" was there, not washed away by rain or wind.  Now, I just had to find it.  When David awoke I sat him down, showed him the devotional, he had the same reaction I did, kind of a quiver.  When you get to the "carved in the rock forever", it hits a high note. Back to my close companions, my spiritual support, I got similar reactions, jaw-drops, goose-bumps and eye-ball popping.  I printed the devotional, folded it and kept it with me. Expanding my consulting circle, the confirmation continued.  Reactions remained the same. My last stop, my pastor.  I ask him if it is wrong to return to Sedona, he assured me that returning was not a mistake. In fact, there is a special spot,  that he returns to often. Green light, I feel good about returning now. It has been approved. Then I show him the paper; he lowered his head and gently nods.   

As my departure date approaches, I notice myself retreating.  I don't have a desire to discuss whether I can, or if I will, find "SAM" again. I am learning, that my preference doesn't matter; the discussion won't change the outcome (but, I have that piece of paper tucked in my purse - I ask myself, is that really what that means?") I know it is but, I continue to doubt.  I think back on something my friend shared with me a while back, obviously in reference to yet another God-wink:

"I do believe....help my unbelief!"

As my plane lifts to the sky, I begin to pray, "God, if it is not your will that I climb that rock, stop me!"  I silently chuckle, thinking about how my travel companion will react if I have to inform her, I am not doing the hike after we traveled such a distance to get there. But, I was fully prepared to do so. I wondered if she would understand.  My prayer continued that I would have peace, with whatever the outcome (but, I had that piece of paper tucked into my purse.) It is a discipline to leave yourself wide-open, embarking on a trip with no preconceived outcomes.  It is definitely not something I've done often.  Maybe, I'm beginning to learn the art of living in just "this" moment. Rather than always thinking ahead, making a plan, filling in the blank spots. 

We land in Phoenix, drive to Sedona and park at Cathedral Trail.  Kim and I speak to a group of hikers at the bottom of the trail.  We exchange stories, I explain to them the reason for such a late afternoon hike and the importance of completing it before dusk.  They understand my urgency, one lady in particular steps forward, with tears in her eyes and hugs me.  She confesses that her husband has just recently gone to heaven, and this day was his birthday.  I note to myself, there are handfuls of hikers on Cathedral Trail that have lost loved ones?  We start our ascent.  This time the mission is more manageable.  Nearing the top, I slow the pace down, yearning to just look (while hiking all I can do is look at my feet!) and needing to get my bearings.  I glance over my right shoulder, noticing an alcove. Stepping in that direction, I raise my hand to indicate the similarity of what I see, to what I remembered.  We move closer, Kim ahead of me, we tip our heads up and see SAM!!! We rejoice, hug, cry and "take pictures!" A fellow hiker notices our jubilation, with interest he comments, "You must be having a Sedona moment?" I beckon him and tell him, "Yes, come here, I will tell you!" I tell him everything, he tears up. Together we continue to the top, all the while talking.  We learn his name, it is Paul.  He asks me mine, I say "Elizabeth." He (Paul) tell us, that his sister was named Elizabeth; she passed away 9 years ago from a grand mal seizure and that she loved children.(Yet, another that has lost a loved one.) He shares the same birthday as David. Paul shared with us a beautiful metaphor, stating that some lives are meant to be like stars, shining bright and lasting years, other lives are meant to be comets, shorter life but blazing across the sky. Samantha's life was short and she blazed!!!! Paul hikes/runs this particular trail 2x daily, 4x a week.  When he reaches the summit he, "Thanks the Lord for the strength of my father in the rocks, the gentle caress of my mother in the breeze and the warmth of my sister in the sun."   Paul was balding and had blue eyes. With the help of Paul, I was courageous enough to go between the gaps and go to the ledge. Crazy coincidences!  Really? I'm resting in sweet assuredness. It was "right" to return to Sedona. 

Having the "picture" in my possession, I was so peaceful.  

                  

As I look backwards, I see once again, it was not my handy work that I visited Sedona, only that of God's.  Initially, David booked flights into Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport with the notion I would visit Scottsdale, after the flights were booked, I discovered Sedona and was led there and because of an unrelenting gentle voice,  led to return again.  The old Elizabeth, the practical one, the all earthly one would never have returned, for reasons like expense, practicality (travel twice in three weeks - with nothing guaranteed) and my to-do list.  Not anymore, I'm learning the beauty of an uncluttered life, (partly my doing, partly because like it or not the demands on my life have lessened), a simplier life, one which allows time for me to be still and listen to what is inside of me, find and follow that sweet, small voice.  I know what that small voice is and I know the Bible talks about that voice, so I searched and found:

Today I will hear His voice ..... and harden not my heart. 

Psalms 95:7,8  

 Because I listen to and obey God's voice, He will be my God and I will be one of His people.

Jeremiah 7:23

I hear my Father's voice and the voice of a stranger I will not follow.

John 10:5

I am one of God's sheep and His sheep hear His voice.

John 10:27

Listening and following that voice led me high atop those red rocks, two times.  The reward, a special place, holy ground.  A place, I can be near to God and to Sam; a place where nothing physical stands between us.  A place of solitude and strength, peace and possibility, warmth and wonder, rest and reassurance. A place where His words for me and mine, are engraved in the rock forever!

Did you take a picture?

I was not going on a spiritual journey, I was not going on a pilgrimage.  All I wanted to do was leave town during the Mardi Gras holidays.  Normally, I can hang, not this year!  David would be out of town and the thought of living through Mardi Gras with a 16 year old, without David's support made me want to run.  So, I did!  Brooke is an awesome, wonderful girl, gratefully though, she is human and a teenager!  My answer was to entice Brooke with a trip to Sedona, AZ; hiking, horseback riding, biking and the real clincher, how I really hooked her, was a trip to the spa. New experiences, new memories.  She said yes, I booked the flight, made the hotel reservations and loosely planned some activities.  There was anxiety on my part, I haven't traveled solo in a long time.  In my former years, working as a retail buyer, I was an experienced traveler.  Motherhood came and I tended to stay put, only traveling as a family, with the security of David, taking the reigns.  I pondered all the responsibilities I would have, taking shuttles, navigating an airport, renting a car, checking in for flight, driving north 2 hours on unfamiliar roads, etc., checking in hotel and alongside that being a "happy" mom and a "sad" mom.  The desire to escape outweighed the anxiety.  I knew I was independent in more youthful years, I needed to test myself, reclaim this part of myself;  I was going.

On the eve of my departure, I get one of "those" phone calls.  My dad has had a seizure, he is being taken to the hospital.  Anxiety on the rise.  David is gone, I'm packing and guiding Brooke on preparing for our trip (each of us choosing to carry one of Samantha's school backpacks with us, each one monogrammed with her name; she is with us), weather conditions are becoming an issue, and my dad has another seizure, this time, his heart stopping for 17 seconds.  Watching this physical spasm was a jolting experience for Erich and Paul, my brothers.  Reassuringly, my family encourages me to continue with my plans.  Everything is under control. So I do, knowing that if a life-threatening situation evolves, I will return.  However, he spent a few days in ICU, a pacemaker was installed and a boot in place for his broken ankle.  He is resting, recuperating and comfortable at home.          

Researching Sedona, I discovered that it has a world-wide reputation as a spiritual mecca. Mother Nature's red-rock temples are destined to provide life-transforming, soul-nourishing work in person. It is stated that," Sedona is a perfect place for spiritual and personal enrichment of the body and the soul. A strong Native American influence, endless, majestic skies and breathtaking views define this global power spot. In addition, there are vortexes. What are these Sedona vortexes? Vortex sites are enhanced energy locations that facilitate prayer, meditation, mind/body healing, and exploring your relationship with your soul and the Divine. This is where I needed to be, I joked that I was going to stand in the middle of one of these "things", hands lifted high and just let those positive energies swirl and engulf me. In earnest, I had no idea what to look for and if, I would ever find one. David and Brooke thought I was nuts.

Submarine Rock 

Due to weather challenges, we miss our connecting flight to Phoenix and got put on standby with 33 fellow passengers. I'm feeling bumped around a bit, nicked up a bit, put to the challenge but, I'm handling it.  I talk to God constantly, I tell myself, one thing at a time, don't look ahead, just take care of this moment.  We board our flight, land in Sedona, rent our car, make the 2 hour drive through unexpected curvy, hilly, rocky, winding landscape. Our afternoon is spent exploring Sedona, a great dinner and early to bed.  Our first full day is spent on a thrilling, bumpy, jolting Pink Jeep tour on the Broken Arrow trail.  While touring, we enjoyed the splendor of Sedona's landscape and an introduction to the famous Red Rock formations. 

Brooke and Casanova

Horseback riding was on the agenda for the afternoon, Brooke and I met up with Sue and Bill, our wranglers.  Bill, led us on a rocky trail ride with our animal companions, Casanova and Stitch.  This proved to be one of the highlights for Brooke. She enjoyed the ride and the opportunity to gallop with Casanova.  Chatting with Bill, we learned he believes in the Big Book and his brother is a Baptist preacher.  It was just the 3 of us, Bill, Brooke and myself, or 5 if you count Casanova and Stitch on the rocky trails passing the national monument of the cliff dwelling, Montezuma's Castle. The sky is so vast and open in Sedona, as well, the air quiet and tranquil.  It is a perfect stage for meditation, or sweet conversation.  There just aren't many distractions to contend with.  So, we trotted in harmony for our ride and were appreciative for the experience at the end of the trail.

Brooke hiking up Cathedral Trail

Liz at a good moment

The following day we were to "hike." We were ready, having visited a local store, The Hike House and participated in their free, interactive service.  You provide them with your experience level, duration preference and what you would like to see and they suggest trails for you.  We met Mary, my words to her were, "We have never done this before. Brooke is athletic, I'm not a pansy but...." We proceed to explore trails, we bought water, snacks and headed to the suggested spot, Cathedral Trail.  I liked the sound of that.  We park our car and greet the people who park next to us, two couples.  Brooke is full of zeal, heading for the trail, I follow.  In the beginning it is serene, Brooke comments to me, " Wow, that is the same sun that shines at our house!" It wasn't just a passing comment, I knew she was getting "it." It is so amazing when you really think about it - the same sun in Mandeville that dominates and owns the sky in Sedona.  We continue and encounter the start of a very steep section.  I struggle and Brooke films me.  She is having a ball, laughing at my inability.  The couples from the parking lot must be watching, and come to my rescue. Our groups merge and one man, in particular, helps me.  He suggests I put away my camera and he states; "We are going to the top, Elizabeth, you are going to climb to the top of this mountain, and I am going to help you. After you make it up there, you will be amazed. This climb is so worth it!" He does help me, he holds my hand, he lets me hold his arm, he encourages me, he continues to call my name and instructs me that we are going to the top. He is humble, confident and persistent.  I wanted to say no, but I couldn't. I knew I had to do it! Even with his steadfast support, the climb is challenging for me (it's not a hike, this was like mountain climbing to this city slicker, southern girl.) Fear winning me over, the scales get tipped and I cry.  I don't know why but, I did what I didn't want to do!!! I say out loud, "I'm sorry, I just need a minute, I lost my daughter not too long ago, this is just hard for me!"  One of the woman draws near to me, comforts me and explains that they are here on their own spiritual journey.  I squint my eyes and shake my head -  I say to myself - "NO, I didn't come here for that, I don't want to hear that!" - I want this to be about Brooke, about fun, and life.  She continues speaking, telling me her brother died last year, the gentleman that was sooo kind to me, was her brother's best friend, they were there together, spreading the brother's ashes over Sedona. We both cry, gather ourselves and continue upwards.  I am physically tired, breathless and emotional.  The altitude and lack of activity over the last few months is becoming an issue. Hallelujah, we make it to the top!!! It is breathtaking, majestic, open and vast. It was worth the climb! I sit to rest, the others, including Brooke explore between the gaps of Cathedral Rock. I can't even watch them.  We are high up, there are no barricades and no railings. My helper, ventures to the ultimate ledge, he invites me, I decline. He assures me, "the ledge is larger than it appears." NO WAY, I am not going!" I watch him as he sits still, in quiet meditation or prayer.  The brother's sister and her husband return and sit with me, we share more details of each others' story, we cry again and agree that there are no coincidences. The best friend's wife, nonchalantly mentions, that we are in a masculine vortex.  Oh wow, I'm in one, at one and didn't even know it! The next whammy, they tell me they are visiting New Orleans, in March.  I couldn't believe it!! Just too much!!   Spiritual journey, death, ashes, tears, fear, coincidences, faith, exhilaration, accomplishment, New Orleans, I'm about to short circuit!

My friend sits at the very peak of the ledge in silence.

I'm instructed, by my unexpected, personal guide to stand and walk around, so as to make the descent easier.  I do as instructed and we head down.  It is not easy, I go down on my rear-end, their instruction to me when I ask How?, is, " Anyway you can!" They build a human wall for me in a few spots to brace my slide, if necessary (it never was, thank goodness). At one point heading down, we stop, I can't remember why, more than likely because I needed a break.  At this moment, Brooke shrieks, "Mom, Mom, look what is written on that wall!, she demands, "Look at It!!!!"  So, I look, what do you think i saw? Written there on the rocky wall, "SAM" with a happy face drawn next to it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I lowered myself to the ground, I covered my eyes, and I wept, Brooke cried, we all cried, everyone there knew it was special and a gift, given to Brooke; me and the others were privilege guests at her party!!!  

After we all recovered enough, to reach the bottom, we hugged and I gave them my email address and phone numbers along with pleaded hope, that they would call me upon their arrival in New Orleans.  I know no one's name, nor where they live!!  I took no picture!! While eating lunch that afternoon, Brooke says to me, " Mom, I think that man was Jesus. He kept calling your name and telling you, you were going to the top of that mountain and that he would help. He told you when you got to the top it would be worth it!"  I was blown away - I wasn't thinking like that - geez, I was still trying to catch my breath, steady myself from the writing on the wall.  Enough is enough!!!  I don't know what exactly happened, Jesus, I don't know, maybe an angel, maybe just a great guy with great friends.  It is so much to process! Whatever it all was, it was special to Brooke, I could tell by the tone of her voice and her reactions.

What I do know, is that I am returning to Sedona, next weekend.  Accompanied by a dear friend, I will scour that mountainside and try to find that spot, take a picture and bring that healing home to share with others.  I believe God spoke to Brooke and me through the writing on that rock - SAM with a smiley face (it was not a typical smiley face with a circle around it - it was drawn with two slashes for eyes and a simple grin). I believe He wants me to know that Sam is happy!!  I believe He keeps his promises to never forsake us. I believe He walks with us, holding our right hand. Alas, if it is not there, having been washed away by wind or rain (it could possible have been written with rock on rock or permanently carved, I didn't think to inspect ) I will just do as suggested to me, by my friends at The Hike House.  I have corresponded with them several times, telling them my story and asking that, any person hiking that trail, to please look for my message. They assured me they would help in anyway, but don't want me discouraged if it is not there.  Debra writes to me:

Good morning Elizabeth!

So sorry I have been errant in returning your email. The store has been super busy! I shared with Mary your story. I have not heard back from anyone that they have seen the name "Sam" on the rocks of Cathedral however. It may have been your special sign from God meant for you. Some things aren't always meant to be concrete but more soul touching which clearly your journey to Cathedral rock was for you and your daughter. I wish you peace and we'll keep looking :-)

God bless

Deb

Cathedral Trail was a difficult climb for me, no one else struggled, just me. Confidently, I know why it was chosen for me to hike.  Hopefully, my new friends won't visit while I'm back in Sedona!! As well, we enjoyed the spa, the morning of our departure.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

  

Getting to Know Granny

As this unwanted journey continues, I have gained and garnered strength, allowing me to visit with others. It isn't easy, there is still an unnerving sensation that sits within me while in public. Gratefully, I have found a few safe places. But, even there, things just aren't the same.  To some extent, I am who I use to be , but not really.  The person you see in the grocery store might look the same, but she isn't the same. As I sit with old friends at dinner and the normal conversations ensue, I struggle to engage in simple chit chat. My life fast forwarded years, within a split second.  She, I have had a profound change in my life, a sharp turn to the right, no warning, no reasons, no explanations, no good-byes.   As well, I have experienced something divine that has the weight to overshadow the pain that exists, at times.  Having had this experience there is a genuine sense of peace that reigns within me concerning where Sam is, I know she is in "Her Father's House!" I just need to get acquainted with and accept living without her, not caring for her and accepting that she will not physically be a part of our family.  That, she will never again be in a photograph.  I have the last one taken!

So, on a strengthened day, I visit.  One on one, in the beginning, taking baby steps, gradually finding enough confidence in myself, to recently, share with a bible study group.  My dear friend, Erin urges me, beckons me, sweetly and strongly suggests (imagine her being like that!) that every opportunity I receive, that I should share our story.  I'm beginning to feel that call.  What I find, is when I tell our story, emotionally and spiritually, I am strengthened.  Speaking it out loud, aligns my heart with my head.  I feel His peace, His presence and His promise of eternal life.

One question that I am often asked is, "Where does your faith come from?'  I already know where "it" comes from, it comes from "Granny."  A pending project, required me to rifle through "the girls" boxes of "stuff."  These tupperware bins are placed in my bedroom closet.  A box labeled for each child, filled with memories including, photographs, baby books, favorite preschool projects, school report cards. newspaper clippings, artwork, interesting school reports, homemade gifts, and my favorite, early sentence writing.  My children's life, represented on paper is contained in these boxes.  When finished, I returned Brooke's box to my closet for future filling, with regret, I placed Sam's in a spare bedroom, knowing I wouldn't be adding to it.  Strewn among their work, was a few of "Granny's" letters.  What a remarkable woman she was.  Entering heaven at 102 years of age, each day faithfully serving her God.  I loved this lady. Upon her death, she donated her brain to The University of Georgia in Athens, having participated in an age study there.  She was blessed with such clarity of mind and soul. Granny was a letter writer and her  penmanship was impressive as well, her attention to detail, divine.  My favorite part of each letter that I received or read was the last paragraph.  As I read, I anticipated this particular section, I knew I would be receiving my own personal benediction.  On Dec. 22, 1978 she writes,

Another letter ended with:

I can't help but to be reminded of the t-shirt Samantha was wearing her last day on this earth! The shirt bore a cross on the back and written on it was,"Where love is, life is full.  "God is LOVE!" 1 John 4:8.

 On another occasion, Granny writes to my father, concerning the death and resurrection of my mother.  She comments on her letter ministry, which my grandmother began at 92 years of age, and the words of comfort and consolation that she sends to each member of her church family that has lost a loved one, that year.  She reflects on the human tendency to feel reluctant to be joyful and happy, after death.  She is at her writing best, when she offers her pray for each family, then for my father, in particular. Praying for him to have "a sweet new attitude about death." Praying for his future happiness and dictating to him, that, "It comes through God!"

David's father, Sam (yes, my daughter Sam is named after David's dad) suffered a tragic fall on the stairs of the New Orleans Arena during a New Orleans Hornets game, on the eve of Thanksgiving 2004.  The fall resulted in paralysis from the neck down and a 7 month stay in the hospital from where, he entered heaven.
Each day David visited with his father, our children were young, his father was an hour or more away from our home and he was bed ridden, nonverbal, and paralyzed, yet another tragic accident with life changing consequences.  My Granny had plenty to say concerning David's fathers death and what she wanted to seer upon David's soul.  She writes to David:




                                 

My Sam, was born with a club foot that required surgical correction at the precious, tender age of 6 months.  Granny, steered me and David to depend on God, as our Great Physician. She writes,

For today, this is the last letter I will reference but, it is so powerful.  In this letter she writes to my mother, following a honor bestowed upon my her, Jean Adams Battle, for years of service at her church, Parkway Presbyterian Church, Metairie, LA.  My mother served as the Preschool Director there.  My grandmother is so proud but, my favorite, are her words of duty that she commands of my mother.  Granny writes:

I couldn't resist, the next letter is so ironic to me.  Granny thinks she is nearing death, little did she know of God's plans for her. She continued to bless this world with another 25 years or so of ministry!! Her words are a treat and make me smile, knowing what I know now:

And she writes to me, concerning Brooke:

Following is the prayer she wrote and prayed on my wedding day:

Of course, she wasn't without thoughts for Samantha, upon her birth she sends these words:

Just one of the many birthday cards Samantha received from Granny:

  I often wonder, "What would Granny write to "me", at a time like "this"!?" I believe her words of wisdom and truth would be very similar to what she told my dad and my husband, "Cast your sorrows aside; as Christian we are not to fear death; it is now a time to rejoice !" Oh, I am sure, am absolutely sure she would comfort and console me, but rest assured she would undoubtedly write to strengthen my spirit, to increase my dependence on God and to look to Him for total healing and peace.  She clearly stated, to my father that, "It only comes through God."

I don't know all the answers to the questions, but I do know how to google.  I told myself that it was ok to not know everything before I began this project.  The fear of being perceived as and realizing myself, that I was ignorant, unschooled in the Bible, not knowing something I should have known would have erected a barricade. So, I admitted my ignorance, accepted that I have so much to learn and began researching. A question nagged me, what did the Bible say or did the Bible have a story about passing down faith from generation to generation?   I found, 2 Timothy 1:5 this scripture tells me, as it ought to be, "I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.  This is the passing of faith from grandmother, to mother, to child. It is the passing of faith from generation to generation to generation.  Reverend Mark Steiger, in his essay, A Treasure of Faith,  in exploring this scripture, reveals how and where faith is passed down.  He states,

Granny, you taught me well! Thank you for writing and sharing the song of your soul with me.  You and mom passed down the faith to the next generation!  You laid the foundation for my very soul!!! Because of you I can begin to mindfully, massage and mold ""my" sweet new attitude about death."

I pray, I can pass this peaceful life-giving baton, as well as you!





    

Half Way