|Samantha with The Kreigers'|
So, Christmas is next. The decorations are rapidly adorning stores, yards, and churches. It will be our turn next. I wonder how I will do this? Am I strong enough to unpack your stocking, take out your favorite nutcrackers, you just adored the funny one with the tall hat given to you by Morgan. Do I really have to unpack and hang all of your ornaments? It won't be our family Christmas if I don't. Do I buy you an angel ornament for each year, now? Or, maybe a star? I want you to still be here.
With Thanksgiving a memory and Christmas on the horizon, I have had a very teary day. Which, made for a somewhat sappy lunch date with my husband, David. I cried there, too. Yep, in the restaurant while chewing. I even remember saying, "Give me a minute, it will just go away." Then, I said it! I told David, I didn't want this to be a part of my life. I told him I was doing it kicking and screaming!!! He questioned my faith. It is confusing to him that at times, I want to give into the pain, to let it consume me and claim me. He doesn't understand how I can talk of God, witness to His very presence in my life, love Him and still cry, kick and scream. I explained to him, that without the help of my God, I would stay in the miry clay. I live on God's promises. I need my daily, on a day like today, hourly " bread." (I feel like I waited to long to eat and had a hunger attack!!)
What I realized after lunch is that David sees me at my weakest and my strongest! He has seen the power of God lift me, bringing my heart and soul to a place of peace, healing and strength. When I wrap myself in God's armor, His power, His love, His promises, I can do "this" thing. Also, my faith empowers me to share God's message of Hope with others. This is definitely the better "place" to be. David questioned my faith because he has seen the healing power it has and doesn't understand why I can't "hang on to it", all the time. David, so desperately wants me to stay in this state. It hurts him to see me cry so, he wants to fix it. (The new BMW - my little slice of heaven - is nice, but I'm wise enough to know that this tangible object does not have the power to heal.) I will always know God is real, but sometimes I get lost.. It hurts and I forget. I try so hard but, embarrassingly, David witnessed me today in weakness. I was trying to do this walk alone. A few days of busyness and I forgot what I read in one of my devotionals, "Hope" by Nancy Guthrie about "Manna from Heaven." In speaking with a friend experiencing grief, she asked, " How do you do this?' The reply was "Manna." She explained, "Just as the Israelites had to depend on God to provide manna to sustain them every day in the wilderness, she had to depend on God to give her the manna to sustain her as she grieved her loss. The friend realized that daily nourishment came from the hand of God. His words of truth are the only thing that soothes and satisfies our souls. The thing about the manna that God provided was that it could not be stored up. A fresh supply was needed every day." I know how this feels. I need a fresh supply every day, to nourish and sustain me. My "meltdown", "moment of weakness" , whatever you want to call it was because I got "busy", went out of town, and didn't feed my soul enough. I take responsibility, we are call in Matthew 7:7 "to seek and we shall find."
I broke another rule as well, I looked into the future without God's presence. I worried about Christmas and decorating without considering that He will walk with me through that. We are clearly instructed in Matthew 6:34, ""So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." This scripture tells me to live just one day at a time - when that day of decorating comes Jesus will be with me, in whatever way I need. I believe that.
I need to go back to the basics and treat myself better, each day, I will relish my alone time with God, I will rest in His healing powers, and allow His Peace to seep into every crack of my broken heart. I will be still and know that He is God and I will live one day at a time. I cannot do this alone.