These words have rendered true on many, many mornings, as well as today. When I convinced myself, after the gentle nudging from that "back porch stranger", that, " I should blog.", along with the help of another dedicated friend that helped me to get set-up, I knew a positive dialogue with myself would be the way to go. When I can type the positive, it is a culmination of positive thoughts, which in turn, nurtures my perspective, allowing my mind to align with what I know in my soul. The negative stands lurking always, ready and wanting to get in my way. I could have very well named this entry "Endless Nights" or "The Dark Veil of Night." I'm not doing it. It is a constant battlefield of the mind and soul. 1 Timothy 6:12 tells me to, " Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."
So, yes, last night was one of those night. I do not like the nighttime to begin with. I am an "early to bed, early to rise" kinda girl. But, the nights, they come anyway, each and every day. When you take a bundle of grief, ordinary life and a little bit of stress, the walls collapse easily. It's normal, part of this process. I'm not alarmed at all. Bedtime 9:30 pm, awake at 12:20 am, with a racing mind. Which, in turn led me to the computer. This is brutally honest, I found myself "googleing", "How to live after the death of your daughter." I would like a manual please, a "how to" book, some DIY instructions. This is what I found:
You never get over the loss.
75% to 80% of all couples who lose a child, end up in divorce.
Eventually, the pain lessens but, it never goes away.
Do I need to go on? No hope, no hope, no hope!! I ran back to my bed, yanked the covers over my head and waited for the sunrise, the dawning of a new day!! The light!!!! The promise !!!! Just like Isiah 58:8 claims, "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard."
David Jeremiah wrote, "journalizing, memorializes the blessings of God" in his book, "When Your World Falls Apart, Seeing Past the Pain of the Present." My dear family and myself have recently experienced a terrible tragedy, resulting in the death of my precious daughter, Samantha. This is an unwanted journey, one of the most difficult walks that any parent can experience. It is riddled with extreme grief, profound disorientation, and beautiful graces from God. He holds me close. He has not forsaken me. Even though, my heart is shredded with sadness, I shed buckets of tears, I question my purpose now and I wander astray at times, I know I love God. He is real and present. I know what I know!!! And, I feel privileged to have the opportunity to share with you. I have learned that I am at my best when I walk with God, not against Him.